Charles Koch Would Be One Greedy President

What happens when a bunch of rich white conservatives get together at a fancy hotel? If your guess is "empty their money onto the table and roll around in it," you aren't far from the truth. At a summit meeting Saturday with leading elected Republicans and about 450 donors at the St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort in Orange County, California, conservative billionaire industrialist Charles Koch told his allies that it's time to get serious about doing away with corporate welfare, according to TIME magazine. The 79-year-old chief executive of Koch Industries told his hundreds of wealthy allies that he thinks that eliminating obstacles, namely big government spending, reckless foreign policy, and corporate welfare is the answer to our country's future success. Koch told his legions of money-harboring followers that by doing away with excess spending, they would be helping to save their country, according to Politico. That pitch sounded almost, well, presidential. So, this brings about the question: What would a Koch 2016 campaign look like?

First off, Charles Koch and his brother David are expected to donate $899 million dollars on the 2016 presidential race, according to The New York Times. And according to the Times, the brothers shelled out almost $400 million to attempt to stave off Democrats in the 2012 campaign.

So, what if one of the Kochs just jumped into the ring? Here are three things that would happen if Charles Koch joined the 2016 campaign.

The Republican Dream Would Become The Koch Platform

The Koch brothers are known to talk about tightening the country's purse strings while tossing their billions to fund conservative legislation. If Charles Koch ran for President, his campaign would become the stuff of the conservative right's happy goal of whisking away all excess government spending. The campaign might just sound like the reverse of Robin Hood's mantra: "Steal from the poor to give to the rich." Also, see: "Keep all your money to yourself, have endless cocktail parties at disgustingly swanky California hotels!" I've got lots of suggestions, Koch. Have my people call your people.

The Conservative Right Would Throw Money At Koch Like Crazy

There's no doubt that Koch has a great deal of support from wealthy members of the conservative party. Republican names, including Sens. Cory Gardner, Mike Lee, Ben Sasse, and Dan Sullivan, were all there at Saturday's donor meeting to show their support of the Koch network, according to Politico. And as The Nation has reported, the Koch brothers have long-funded attacks against things Republicans despise most — Obamacare being one chief example. Money talks. If Koch were to be the face of the Republican party, all that dough might just come rolling right back at him. Yay, another Republican money pit! I'll bring the cocktails if you bring the Benjamins, C-Dawg.

The Race Would Become More Polarized Than Ever

As staunch Republican supporters, Koch brothers are more or less in the business of keeping Democratic legislation out of business. So, if the Koch campaign were to be a thing, so would some pretty nasty debates about government spending, tax cuts, and welfare reform. I mean, it would be pretty entertaining to see Hillz throw down with C. Koch, but the race might present so much of a gap between Democratic and Republican policy that nothing constructive would actually happen.

So, I know I'm a little late to the party, but here's a toast to all the ridiculous things conservatives say about how their money is in danger. I'll need those glasses of wine to keep coming my way because it's going to take a little extra imbibing before I can stomach the idea of "Koch 2016."

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