Kanye Has a Lot of Free Time in His Future

Kanye West, rapper and self-purported god-among-men has decided to nut up and shut up for at least six months, finally hearing our pleas for silence after all these years. The future Mr. Kardashian (because, yeah, sorry, 'Ye) has some much-needed perspective under his belt following a tumultuously chatty 2013, and has realized that not everyone appreciates his self-described genius.

Which is totally weird, right? People usually respond quite well to patronizing narcissistic diatribes! Especially from egomaniacal rappers that frequently express themselves via caps lock or comparisons to historical figures. But considering the fact that the black Walt Disney-to-be has spent much of the past year talking, and talking, and talking some more, it seems to me that the next six months of West's life are going to be very, very empty. At least that's the intention behind his auto-tuned 27-minute rant. But West is feeling quite clear now, so he must realize that all this newfound free time is a gift! So we've decided to comb through the myriad of activities out there in the world and pick out a few that might serve him well in his silent endeavor.

Keep a Dream Journal

Something that may prove a benefit for Mr. West would be to keep a dream journal. That way when he encounters these mental images of himself as a hero akin to Steve Jobs, Gandhi, and Jesus Christ, he has somewhere to put it rather than smack-dab in the middle of an interview point wherein we all have to deal with the fact that he actually thinks he's as important to the world as Gandhi and Jesus Christ.

Mindfulness Meditation

Given his penchant for anger issues, West would do well to practice a bit of mindful meditation — both to shut his own thoughts off, and get back in touch with reality in general. Plus it's really easy to do and keeps in line with his goals for the next six months: you just sit and do absolutely nothing.

Knitting

Considering his trailblazing ways in the name of gendered identity within society, West has a real opportunity to make knitting manly and cool. But only if he really commits: surely 6 months of straight knitting will turn him into the most champion of pearlers this world has ever seen and inspire an entire generation to sit down and get their yarn on. (And hey: look at all the new friend potential: lots of successful creatives are knitters.)

Pinterest Curating

Honestly I'm just sort of surprised he doesn't already have a Pinterest account. Given his obsession with all things materialistic, it is kind of amazing that Kanye West isn't already the self-proclaimed King of Pinterest. Time to get familiar.

Take a Cooking Class

No doubt little baby North and wife-to-be Kim Kardashian are going to be hungry. Why not take your current frustrations with the media landscape out on some carrots, Kanye? Why not learn to sauté or julienne some carrots for a nice vichyssoise? Plus I bet there are some great metaphors for life to be learned in the handling of your mise en place, my friend.

Take an Eat, Pray, Love Sojourn

Taking the Elizabeth Gilbert route is usually saved for a very particular sort of person, but given the similarities between Gilbert and West, it seems like, perhaps, getting a bit out of his element via face-stuffing might prove to be a benefit. Maybe while you're out traversing the rice paddies of Thailand you can learn how to properly ride a motorcycle.

But don't worry, Kanye, because no matter what you end up doing, as long as you stay true to your word and shut the fuck up, the people will thank you.