How to Deal With These 5 Revelations About an Ex

I am very, very good about not online stalking my ex-boyfriend. This is mostly because I have tons of self-control and a fledgling desire to stay sane, but partially because he's unfriended me and all of my friends because, you know, the most traumatic breakup ever. The second-to-last time I stalked my ex was last fall (like, a year-and-a-quarter ago, thankyouverymuch), and he had some public Facebook status that was like, "Working in New York next year?!" New York, as in Manhattan, as in the city I was planning on moving to, and had to (my entire industry is here), and did. It's also the Twilight Zone-y land of our onetime fantasy future together — New York City, the land of someday, maybe. I think my brain scrambled into binary code at that moment, but instead of 1's and 0's, there were question marks and exclamation points. !??!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!??!?!?!?!!!!!!??!?!?!

I cracked again last week, because, I don't know, I've been working in Manhattan for half a year, and even though this fear doesn't rule my life or anything, I still worry that I'll bump into my ex downtown one night — maybe with my new boyfriend, maybe with his new girlfriend, if he has one. (?!??!?!!!?!) So last week I looked him up on LinkedIn, and guess what? My ex is, in fact, not in New York. He's in an entirely different part of the country, a very safe distance away in a city that I don't think I've ever heard him mention before.

My first reaction was relief, and my second was this sort of abstract sadness. And because my brain was operating with all the functionality of ground beef, I felt the urge to tell somebody, like, you know, my current boyfriend. I promptly felt sheepish about it, so I offered him an apology-flash. (We have a system, OK?)

I don't know. When it comes to my ex, it's a lot of ?!??!?!?! and not a lot of processing or handling it. So for 2014 and beyond, I'm going to try a new thing where I deal productively with whatever news trickles in about him. Except, everything I try will probably be sort of mean-spirited and immature, because I have approximately zero coping mechanisms. It's fine, though, because you are going to join me. Weirdo ex-girlfriends love company, after all.

1. Your ex somewhat arbitrarily moved to a faraway city

First, probably don't announce the news to your current significant other before you've had a chance to process. Because if you sound even remotely uncool about it, you will have to flash him/her, you will. This is how adult relationships work.

Then, give yourself 30 minutes to Wikipedia everything you can about your ex's new city. Do this until 1. you conclude that this will be good for them, and that you're happy for them, because you are terribly mature, or 2. you're certain you have the better end of it. Paris Shmaris, amirite?

2. Your ex got a new girlfriend, and she's, ugh, sort of hot/smart/funny

OK, do not get behind the wheel. Seriously, do not, because it will go like this:

Also, you can't drive because you actually might need wine to take this one on. Wine and friends ready to tell you that you're way hotter/smarter/funnier, even though that's not very sisterhood-y behavior. (You can go back to being a good feminist tomorrow.) Just know that I, for one, am certain that she is far less clever, beautiful, and interesting than you are, unless she is also my reader, in which case, MUD FIGHT, BITCHES.

No? Fine. But at least remember that your relationship ended because it wasn't fulfilling or right for both of you. Whether it's a person, a job, or a passion, something more satisfying is around the bend, and it's going to make you forget these icky, competitive feelings. Yep, it'll be that good.

3. Your ex landed his dream job and you're pushing papers

Is there even the slightest chance that I'll be able to convince you that you're not competing with your ex for the Best Life Ever Olympics? Because you really aren't. Even if the two of you still talk, you don't really know if they're happy or headed to a good place. Everyone undulates! Your time will come!

But for now, it still sucks, so go ahead and think petty thoughts about the size of his penis or whatever. Just for a few minutes. The Excel spreadsheets can wait.

4. Your carnivore ex went vegan, or your vegan ex went carnivore

This is disturbing in the same way that a big-city move can be — it's uncomfortable to realize that your ex's life didn't freeze when the relationship ended, as you sort of secretly expected it to. Something major has changed in his or her life — something that's made them shift him/her shift dietary habits. Wondering why won't make you feel better, but there is one thing you can do.

You can eat a burrito.

If they've just started eating meat, eat a veggie burrito to mourn the loss of the love you knew. If they've gone vegetarian, go for pulled pork out of spite. The burrito has magical healing powers. The burrito knows your sorrows. The burrito is, was, and will be. Trust the burrito.

5. Your ex is getting married

?

?!?!

!!?!?

??!?!

!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!

Well. You know what comes next: