If you thought that having a Valentine's Day-for-one celebration was about the empowering combination of chocolate, wine, and Netflix, then this depressing gift will surely upset your worldview: Emily King of Florida has invented something called the Make Out Practice Pillow — so you can now practice kissing on a creepy pillow with a nose and lips in hopes that one day you'll be able to apply what you've learned to kissing an actual real life human being
The 26-year-old designer got the idea when reminiscing about childhood memories of making out with pillows for practice. She's got a point — I did it, too (and with mirrors and Hanson posters, but that's beside the point). However, an 11 year old's pastimes at sleepover parties are filled with hopes and hilarity; giving a grown woman a pillow with lips to kiss at night is...funny, but, uh, kinda weird and terrifying. King admitted to Orange.co.uk that she, too, thinks they're creepy, although she thought they were hilarious at first. Her inspiration for the facial features come from quite the source, too: she got the design from a bag of removable mouths that people use when practicing first aid skills on CPR dummies — which brings to mind other early make out nostalgia, because you know when you're in a CPR class when you're a teenager and a horny fourteen-year-old boy is all, I'll give you mouth to mouth, baby? MEMORIES, YA'LL.
But, hey, let's be more sensitive here. Now adult women who are lonely, sad, and inexperienced can practice locking lips with an inanimate object in case ONE FATEFUL DAY they will lock lips with an actual human being with stimuli who has the ability to shove his tongue down their throats like a horny middle schooler. But the faceless, eyeless, disembodied noses and mouths would kinda make me lose my lady boner, ya know?
Rather than give a single lady a pillow with a mouth to make out with, why not just give her something that gives back, like a vibrator? Now there's a gift that'll give you a satisfying Valentine's Day for one, and it doesn't have any disembodied facial features (although I'm sure there are some that are out there, if you're into that kind of thing).
Don't wanna buy one? King gives instructions on how to make your own. DIY party time!
Images: Getty Images; Emily King