Some, Ahem, Creative Problem-Solving on 'Scandal'

Given that Scandal is a show about a professional fixer, people on the series are usually balancing a ton of problems, but those problems usually stay surprisingly contained. Given, you know, how big they are. But since everyone has been stupidly keeping secrets from Olivia for the last few episodes, it's no wonder that things have gotten a little out of hand, leading everyone to try their own particular brand of problem-solving – which are all bonkers enough that Fitz is actually justified in asking, “Am I surrounded by people who have completely lost their minds?” And that's saying something, because Fitz is almost never justified in anything he says. Though he does make up for it by later claiming to be the only adult around. Sorry, Mr. President, you've got that completely backwards.

Here's a rundown on various problem-solving strategies our beloved gladiators tried this week, and how they turned out. Hint: most did not go well.

Make Quinn a Secretary

Did you know that B6-13 actually sells paper? Like, their cover is that they're a paper company, but they also actually sell paper. And now Quinn is the person (badly) answering their phones. Needless to say, this does not last long.

Call Sally's Pastor. Call Olivia. Call Everyone

Sally continues to spin off her axis, which is a big problem for Leo Burgess, who is now beginning to realize that he should be very, very afraid of Eli Pope (and that he has no skill in dealing with religious people). So he calls in Sally's pastor to make her stop spouting off about hellfire in debate prep – and when this backfires and Sally decides she needs to confess her sins on national television during the presidential debate, Leo begins frantically calling for everyone to talk her out of it, from Cyrus to Olivia, not seeming to realize that there is really no amount of pursuasion that will get between Sally and doing what she thinks God has commanded.

Get B6-13 To Solve Your Problems For You

As the Sally situation spirals out of control, Cyrus tries to get Jake and B6-13 to kill Sally. Jake dismisses him with a short but sweet monologue of his very own about how Cyrus is just being meddlesome. B6-13 does not get involved in "petty White House squabbles."

Yell at Your Boss

Jake may be awesome, but that doesn't stop Quinn from yelling at him about how much she doesn't want to sell paper and how his fake girlfriend Olivia doesn't actually care about him. Somehow this stellar job strategy pays off though. Quinn gets to snoop through Pope and Associates and find all the evidence on the Daniel Douglas murder.

Throw a Presidential Debate

Because Olivia is better at recognizing what is and isn't possible, she decides that the best solution to the Sally situation is for Fitz to throw the debate in hopes that Sally will see it as a sign from God that she's off the hook. Against all odds, this somehow works, though Fitz isn't happy about it. But he seemingly accepts Olivia's explanation that "this is what is," in regards to the dirtiness of politics without turning back into a whiny man-child. Thank God. Fitz is so much better when he is not being a whiny man-child.

Tell Your Husband to Go Ahead and Throw You In Jail

Cyrus finds out James is Publius, and instead of trying to have him killed again, just says that James should do whatever he thinks is best. And yeah, it's good from the "we like James and don't want him to die" perspective, but seriously Cyrus? This is not how you handle problems.

Kill Everyone

For all of Jake's talk about not getting involved, when he finally decides to get involved in the Daniel Douglas murder cover-up, his solutions are much bloodier than even Cyrus's most bloodthirsty plots. So I think it's safe to say that being B6-13 has already gotten under his skin. At one point he has Tom perched in the rafters the debate with a sniper rifle ready to take Sally out if she launches into confession mode, and in the final minutes of the show he crashes a secret meeting between James, David, the reporter James leaks things to, and the NSA analyst who started the whole thing, shooting the reporter and analyst dead, and taking aim at James and David. The gun goes off, but who did he shoot?

A week is too long to wait to find out!

Image: ABC.com