Which Pizza Chain Is Like Your Political Party?

Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul says that the Republican Party is like Domino's Pizza, and that it's time to come clean and make amends. Weirdly enough, Paul was referencing a national advertising effort the pizza chain employed some years ago, airing apologies about how bad their pizza had been, and promises of how they were going to turn things around. In other words: I've changed, I promise.

This clearly raises one of the most relevant, trenchant political questions of our time. Namely, which political parties are like which brands of pizza?

We're willing to agree with Paul in regard to Domino's — considering their reinvigorated pizza still tasted terrible, it fits comfortably with the GOP's recent spate of limp, ineffectual rebranding efforts with women. But what of the Democrats? And, however it seems, we're not just a two-party system either...

The Democratic Party — Pizza Hut

It's the loyal opposition, horn-locked with Domino's in an all-out war for American pizza supremacy — Pizza Hut is the largest chain in the United States, just as the Democrats, however compromised by Republican competition and strategies, hold more seats of power in Washington. While the party's liberal influences might prefer something a touch more artisan, few Democratic traditions are as time-honored as ignoring its left-wing base.

The Green Party — Extreme Pizza

When you think of the Green Party, you likely think of two things: Ralph Nader, and far-left politics. Greens have for years courted the most liberal elements of the Democratic Party, trying to poach voters dissatisfied with the big-money, two-party status quo.

But there's an obvious obstacle. Many people are reluctant to go small-time in the voting booth, to support the no-chance underdog with the off-kilter approach. So too has Extreme Pizza labored for a foothold, against titanic, transnational "big pizza." Boasting a variety of flavors and options more esoteric than the mainstream — care for some soy cheese, walnuts, maybe some Indian Tandoori sauce instead of tomato? — California-based Extreme is as Green as pizza gets.

The Tea Party — Godfather's Pizza

So Herman Cain isn't the head of Godfather's Pizza anymore, fair enough. And the Tea Party isn't even a real, standalone political party. But that doesn't mean we've forgotten America's foremost presidential candidate/Pizza maven/alleged sexual harasser/Pokemon fan, nor we suspect has the base of Tea Party support that launched him, briefly and implausibly, to the front of the GOP ranks in 2012.

Obviously, the Tea Party doesn't love everything about the mafia mystique — many of them assume there's already a mafioso-style Godfather sitting in the White House.

But when it comes time to chow down, we suspect an allowance will be made.

The Libertarian Party — Papa Murphy's Take-n-Bake

Don't rely on the trappings of big pizza to get your fix, libertarians — just cut the red tape and make your own. Dishing out frozen, restaurant-style pizzas for home preparation, Papa Murphy's is an ideal answer for anyone who values the primacy of the individual, and refuses to be hemmed in by onerous oversight and regulation.

Want to cook up some smoked salmon on your pizza? Sliced apples? Thistles and pinecones? It's all up to you, ultimately, baking away in the privacy of your own home with nobody to peer over your shoulder.

The United States Marijuana Party — Little Caesar's Pizza

Sometimes simplicity can be a virtue. If you're the single-issue voter type, it can even spur full-throated support. If you're adamant about the legalization of marijuana, for example, boy does the Marijuana Party have a platform for you! But the big risk of engineering a political party around one highly-specific goal is whether it'll have the broad appeal to pull in enough of the non-devoted to be viable — much the same risk you run when you prioritize one selling point, low-cost pizza, above all others.

Thus is the conflicted, twisted legacy of Little Caesar's Pizza, which will sell you a moderately-sized pie for staggeringly cheap, right around $5, that will also invariably be the worst pizza you've eaten in a long time.

And yet, even if nobody wants to be seen sauntering into a Little Caesar's, as with marijuana's popularity the numbers don't lie — they're estimated as America's third-largest pizza chain.