When Your GOP Boss Asks You to Make a Fake Joint

Republican lawmakers are at it again, you guys, and this time they're brandishing joints around Capitol Hill like it's 2019 (approximate date of nationwide marijuana legalization). Rep. John Mica (R-FL.) brought a fake joint to a hearing of the Oversight and Government Reform Subcommittee on Friday to demonstrate what a gram of marijuana looks like — well, when rolled and wrapped tightly into a smokeable cylinder. At the time, Mica was discussing decriminalization of marijuana in DC.

Right now, the U.S. considers marijuana a Schedule I controlled substance, along with a bunch of other gateway drugs like heroin, LSD, ecstasy, and peyote. Said Mica:

I have this joint here. This is — OK, don’t get too excited, some of you. This is not a real one. It’s a mock one.

Mica held the masquerading one-gram joint aloft while pointing out that a law DC Mayor Vince Gray signed in March makes possession of less than one ounce of pot a civil offense subject to a $25 fine, rather than, you know, something that could get you thrown in jail for years.

When Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) jumped in to ask whether he'd rolled it himself, Mica replied:

No, I had staff do it. They had more experience.

And here's what his staff probably went through after Mica asked them to roll a joint for him to brandish at a Congressional hearing.

1. Denial

No, there's no way he'll really make me do this, thought Mica's staffers, humming around the office, all lah-tee-dah like.

2. Anger

Mica keeps making me do ridiculous things like roll joints. I am pissed at Mica.

3. Bargaining

"Sir, have you considered holding up a baggy with one ounce of oregano in it instead?"

4. Depression

Work sucks. I can't wait to light up when I get home.

5. Acceptance

Sir, I rolled you this absurd one-ounce joint. Maybe don't use it in front of God and the media and everyone? OK, OK, I get that you're pretty into this idea. Here is the "faux" joint. I'll take that back when you're done, thanks.