Wait, Taylor Swift was Linked to This Guy?

So, apparently, at some point today, somebody on the Internet decided that Taylor Swift and Zach Braff might be dating. They even had quotes from one of those totally-all-knowing and not-at-all-made-up "insiders" stating that the duo wanted to keep it secret — which is certainly a line that nobody has ever used or completely fabricated before! Because is that where we're at as a country now? Any time a Hollywood guy is single and takes a photo with Taylor Swift they're automatically dating?

No wonder Taylor Swift's rep replied in kind — by meeting absurdity at its front door and quoting one of Swift's own songs to make the denial. "Despite the rumors, Taylor has never been on a date with Mr. Braff, and he has never been to her home," Swift's rep told Us Weekly, adding, "Like, never. Ever."

Because I guess that's what we're allowed to do now? Just make shit up because #pageviews or whatever? Evidence smevidence! All you need to do is simply say that the duo have been hanging out in New York, chilling together at Swift's Tribeca apartment, and going on jaunts to the Union Square farmers' market together and TA-DA! Potential, hypothetical, speculative "news" it is!

After all, Taylor Swift dates ALL OF THE MEN EVER because ladies be so needy and obsessed with love! Besides! I know an "insider" that knows an "insider" who saw a first-hand account of what really happens whenever Swift-y lays her eyes on an eligible bachelor. Apparently she unleashes a pair of bright purple, be-suckered tentacles to ensnare the dudes. They rush forth from their hidden pouches under her armpits and since THIS IS AN ARTICLE ON THE INTERNET YOU CAN TOTALLY CALL THAT FACT, YOU GUYS*. After she's captured her paramour-to-be, that "insider" can confirm that a venom-laced poker appears at the end of her left tentacle and shoots the guy up with a paralytic: it makes it easier for them when she stuffs them into her guitar case and flits off to her apartment to ruin them with her equally-as-tentacled magical vagina. And it has to be true because look at this DIRECT QUOTE from a 100% real person — the "insider!" — "Taylor Swift uses an integrated tentacle system to capture, paralyze, and stow away any and every man she comes in contact with so that she might torture them with her magical vagina to write number one songs and that is totally, 100% true because I saw it one time in the back of an Arby's." SEE?! THE TRUTH COMES OUT!

*No you can't, because this is complete nonsense and not at all factual in any way, shape or form! Who are you monsters?