I recently tried the free trial of Amazon Prime. And as someone who is borderline addicted to online shopping, the prospect of free two-day shipping on everything was pretty thrilling. I could have that VALAR MORGHULIS T-shirt in just TWO days from now? I could impulsively buy 34 used books only to have them all show up on my doorstep within the week? I say yes. Yes to all of that.
Suddenly I was browsing deals on power tools and Rebecca Minkoff wallets simultaneously because everything seemed to be on sale, instantly accessible, and just generally awesome. And I could shop for all of it while pantless and/or eating peanut butter straight out of the jar. Ah, the beauty of shopping from the privacy of your own home.
As much as I enjoyed searching through the dozens of discounted items, I began to find items for sale that one truly has to see to believe — especially when it came to fashion-related pieces. I thought to myself, "The world needs to know about this." You may think you've seen the weirdest of the weird, but, let me tell you: Amazon is a whole new planet of wacky and strange accessories and clothing. And it's pretty great. So while I wait for my six to eight (I lost track) Amazon orders to arrive on my doorstep in the next 24 to 48 business hours, I thought I'd share the absolutely weirdest fashion items for sale on Amazon right now. Get ready.
1. Dragon Ear Cuff
For the punk rock Khaleesi in all of us. Don't worry! There are a variety of different styles available on Amazon to suit ALL your...dragon...ear cuff...needs.
Gothic Earring Classic Dragon Ear Wrap, $7, Amazon
2. Patrick Swayze Baby Onesie
So. It's a onesie. With Patrick Swayze's face on it. For an infant. Ok.
Crazy Like Swayze Baby Onesie, $15, Amazon
3. Denver Broncos "Love Collection" Belly Button Ring
Have your favorite sports team paraphernalia, rhinestones, and pink hearts all in one, gloriously hideous package. And people say girly girls can't like sports, too. Go Broncos.
Denver Broncos "Love Collection" Belly Button Navel Ring, $20, Amazon
4. Channing Tatum Pillow Case
So technically, no, this isn't fashion related. But this is Channing Tatum on a pillow case I'm talking about. And the background is the GALAXY. Well, it's not really the background; it's hard to tell. It's more like Channing is just sort of floating in a giant celestial pool of star dust and doodle hearts. And for that reason, if no other, I need it.
Custom Cotton & Polyester Soft Rectangle Pillow Case Cove, $16, Amazon
5. Sexy Elf Boot
I don't care who you are. I don't care what party you have to go to. I don't care if you are an actual elf. If you EVER purchase something that has "sexy microfiber elf boot" anywhere in the title, I need you to take a step back and evaluate your life.
Women's 3.5-Inch Sexy Microfiber Elf Boot With Jingle Bells, $63, Amazon
6. Facekini
Ok, so, apparently these are popular in China. They're used to, you know, protect your face from the sun. Because sunscreen is really just inconvenient when you think about it. Additionally, these are also helpful if you ever have the desire to rob an underwater bank.
I would also just like you guys to take a second to read the ENTIRE title of the product on Amazon: "Singol-yoaoo® 1pc Facekini Swim Cap Swimming Cap Face-kini Bikini Face Guard Head Cap Sunblock Protect Uv Some Bug Biting Jellyfish for Head." Please tell me Some Bug Biting Jellyfish is not a real thing.
Facekini, $10, Amazon
7. Camouflage Bridesmaid Dress
Bringing whole new meaning to the whole, "the bride should be the one who looks the best" thing. Unless, of course, the bride is also wearing camo. In which case, I simply give up on all of humanity.
Ashton Mossy Oak Camo Bridesmaid Prom Formal Dress, $250, Amazon
8. Mankini
:(
Mankini Thong Swimsuit Costume, $11, Amazon
9. Nicolas Cage Laptop Case
But...why? Why? WHY? I need answers.
Nicolas Cage Style Laptop One side Sleeve, $14, Amazon
10. Sloth T-Shirt
I am, all at once, so happy and so, so, so very concerned that this exists.
Three Sloth Moon Shirt, $17, Amazon
11. Sloth Stripper T-Shirt
As hard as this may be to believe, it was actually very difficult to only choose just two sloth-themed items for this list. There is a whole sloth retail world out there, guys. It's scary, and it's great.
Sharp Shirter Stripper Sloth Women's, $24, Amazon
12. Ryan Gosling T-Shirts
I, like most people, can appreciate that Ryan Gosling is, well, beautiful. But both of these shirts just make me feel generally uncomfortable for about 20 different reasons.
"Ryan Gosling Perfume" Crewneck T-Shirt, $25, Amazon
"O Come Let Us Adore Him" Crewneck T-Shirt, $25, Amazon
13. Newborn Turtle Costume
Part of me thinks this is adorable. The other part of me is like...you just ejected the child from your womb and now your first instinct is to dress him/her up as a tiny turtle in knitwear? I'm judging. Sorry.
EOZY Newborn Turtle Costume, $5, Amazon
14. Slow Loris Phone Case
Have you ever wanted that super special gift of a slow loris phone case? No? Me either.
Slow Loris Phone Cover, $10, Amazon
15. Men's Tarzan Style Camo Thong
There's a market for this? Really? LOL at "Tarzan Style," though.
Men's Tarzan Style Camo Thong, $24, Amazon
16. '80s Sunglases
JUST SAY NO. SAY NO AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
'80s Vintage Neon Splattered Vintage Sunglasses, $6, Amazon
17. One Direction Duck Tape
Again, not exactly fashion...but yes, it really exists. You needed to know.
Duck Brand One Direction Printed Duck Tape, $6, Amazon
18. Panty With Butt Pads
Need a firmer, bigger butt? Too lazy to work out or eat well? Have no shame whatsoever? Well, I have the product for you.
8 Of Hearts Women's Shaper Panty with Silicone Butt Pads Booty Padded Panty, $25, Amazon
19. Sloth Jewelry
Because it only seems fitting to end with some sloths. And look at these! It's like those sloth eyes are staring right into your soul, judging you for the fact that YOU JUST BOUGHT SLOTH-THEMED EARRINGS.
Sloth Face Novelty Dangling Dangle Drop Charm Earrings, $9, A mazon
