You Gotta See This Soccer Player's Engagement Pics

What is it about soccer players that makes them so hot as to defy all logic? It's not just their chiseled jawlines and lean abs...there's something about them that makes men and women attracted to them beyond all reason. Case in point? Kyle Beckerman. White-man dreads are usually a warning sign for most women, a sign that can only lead to a future that smells like patchouli and bad hemp clothing. Yet like the nonsensical rules of the World Cup, this man's hotness makes no sense. And it gets worse, dear readers. If you already think Beckerman's attractiveness is simultaneously incredible and embarrassing, check out his engagement photos with his now-wife Kate Pappas and blush with shame.

Sure, there's photos in the soccer stadium, because that's where they met and (duh) it's Beckerman's profession. But then you scroll down only to see, in horror, Beckerman's weird outdoorsman hat over his dreads. His fly fishing vest. Him awkwardly sitting in a canoe with his then-fiancee, unconvincingly staring into her eyes like they're about to do a tribal commitment ceremony that they learned about on their "sick backpacking trip" in Bali. It's like that weird sex dream you had about Smokey the Bear (No? Just me then?). It's like making out with that hot guy from the head shop that one time when you were really drunk. Oh Beckerman, we try to quit you, but we secretly love your granola dorkiness. Never change.