'Big Brother' House Falls Apart Over Elimination

In the Parade of Terrible People that is Big Brother, we've reached the "insanity and confusion" portion of the show (as if that's a weird/new/different occurrence) and everyone is acting a mess. Why? Well it wasn't, surprisingly, any of their regular schtick — immaturity, insecurity, and total bitchitude — but rather that good ole American way: it's because they had to deal with the repurcussions of the hivemind lifestyle. Because making decisions is hard! A barrage of bullshittery and banality came forth as people acted surprised by someone on a reality television competition show dicking them over. Hello, welcome to reality television, nice to meet you.

Candice and Judd were sent home. And while Candice was sent packing in a blaze of glory and crazy, Judd was sent to pasture in a move George W. Bush would've dubbed strategery. In a "heartbreaking" sequence where everyone cranked up the crocodile tears to eleven, Judd's name was placed up on the metaphorical block and chopped. He was none the wiser up until the last possible second, so it was sort of sad to see it happen, but he was a smart dude working against a bunch of vapid dumbos so he should've known that they'd all band together to rally against him eventually.

What made the whole thing especially hilarious was seeing how people managed to make his sorrow all about them. Why are you so upset? You did this! And for strategic reasons. Own your decisions and quit yer blathering! But I suppose being a part of a hivemind is tough. Or maybe their brains just hurt from having to use more than two cells, and they don't know how to deal. The fact of the matter is, though: when you consciously let other people make decisions for you, you're not allowed to be upset about it, Andy and Elissa and McRae and everyone. Judd's gone and you did it. The end.

The cherry on this sundae was, tee hee, a big plastic sundae challenge! One that involved rolling cherries off of bananas onto sundaes. But yet again, a perceived betrayal causes a commotion. Namely, a non-thrown game — gasp! — against McRae and Amanda. Amanda thought, duh of course, her mandudechild would throw the game as a valiant show of his honor and courage, but NOPE guess again, Sherlock! Your boyfriend of five minutes isn't about to lose a game just so you can feel a little less butthurt about never having won something during the show. Boo hoo no one's fault but yours, girl.

So Jessie and Spencer have been placed by current HOH Andy onto the chopping block. Which means... next week we'll see someone else go home. People will cry, others will scheme, and they'll all say some really intelligent things in front of a camera. Need we anything else, America? (Don't answer that.)

But before we bid adieu, a serious question for you all: how is it possible for Helen stick her nose up so many asses simultaneously? I mean, I know the answer — it's because she works in politics — but still. Her reach is impressive.