Entertainment

The Best Quotes of the 2014 Emmy Awards — From Sarah Silverman to Bryan Cranston

Oh, Hollywood awards shows — there's always the good, the bad, and the awkward. And Monday night's 2014 Emmy Awards show was no exception. Seth Meyers hosted the event and he had warned viewers through Entertainment Weekly that he'd be spoiling secrets of the best shows — and he delivered on that promise. Luckily (or unluckily), we didn't see any acceptance speeches like Jacqueline Bisset's from the Golden Globes. But with the casts of Game of Thrones, Modern Family, Mad Men, Veep, and Breaking Bad all in attendance, the TV gods blessed viewers with some of the best and quirkiest lines from our favorites celebrities.

Although the show wasn't that entertaining, it always helps whenever True Detective's Matthew McConaughey (Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series loser) graces an awards ceremony. But it seems the Emmys were well aware of that fact and most of the jokes were set around him.

Regardless, McConaughey is always good fodder for a verbal treat, so here are the best quotes from Meyers, the winners, and the presenters of the 2014 Primetime Emmys.

Seth Meyers Spoils TV

Although it was a pretty tame monologue, host Seth Meyers landed some zingers. As promised, he managed to spoil the finales of three shows — Breaking Bad, Dexter, and How I Met Your Mother — when he described the finale of HIMYM by saying, “That’s right kids, Jesse Pinkman lived, Dexter lived, but your mother didn’t make it. Sleep tight!” I normally hate spoilers, but that joke was too good for Meyers to not make.

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Kit Harrington Skinny Dips (and Rocks a Man Bun)

On the red carpet with E!’s Giuliana Rancic, Kit Harrington from Game of Thrones admitted to having a guilty pleasure when he said, “I’ve got an addiction to skinny dipping, maybe I’m a nudist at heart.” Perhaps that’s something Ygritte got Jon Snow into.

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Kimmel Slams McConaughey

Jimmy Kimmel came out to present outstanding supporting actress in a comedy series and started tearing into movie star and “beautiful son-of-a-bitch” Matthew McConaughey.

“Why is Matthew McConaughey nominated for a television award? Matthew McConaughey doesn’t even own a television. I happen to know for a fact that he traded his television for a conch shell full of weed.”

And how appropriate of a topic since Kimmel’s ex, Sarah Silverman, had already brought the topic of weed up on the red carpet earlier in the night.

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Louie C.K. Knows How to Hold a Joint

This little lady introduced Louie C.K. as a nominee for outstanding directing for a comedy series via video by saying, “The best direction Louis C.K. gave me? He taught me how to hold a joint.”

Don’t worry. Actress Hadley Delany, who plays Louie’s daughter Lilly, is older than pictured, and she only had to do that for the episode “In the Woods.” But in a bizarre theme, the best jokes of the night seem to be about pot.

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Harrelson and McConaughey Talk in Bed

The Emmys seemed to be super thrilled to have movie stars in the audience. So when Amy Poehler and Meyers introduced Woody Harrelson and McConaughey, they wanted the intro to be as epic as the two men walking out. The best intro goes to Poehler though when she said, “Please welcome two gentlemen who seem like they’d be chatty in the sack.”

I never thought of it before — but so, so accurate.

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'Weird Al' Makes 'Homeland' a Musical

I’m a huge fan of “Weird Al” Yankovic, although I wasn’t sure how his song montage would go down in the Emmys. Although it had a slow start, he won me over with the lyrics to the Homeland intro, ”Homeland. Standing in a maze. Making out with terrorists. Beautiful woman — ugly crying. Indigo Montoya grew a beard. Homeland!”

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Andy Samberg Joins the Cast of 'Game of Thrones'

After Weird Al’s song, Samberg stayed in his GoT character as King Joffrey and approached nominee (who ended up losing to Breaking Bad’s Anna Gunn) Lena Headey. He complained to her about being poisoned and then said, “Mother, why don’t you love me like you love Uncle Jaime?” Oh, a good incest joke gets me every time.

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Professor Chris Hardwick Schools the Trolls

Presenter Chris Hardwick is known for his internet presence and he didn’t let that go when he introduced directing for a variety special. He stated that he wouldn’t know what an “unfunny douche” he was if it wasn’t for Internet trolls and then Papa Hardwick gave an important lesson:

“I just have one important message for all the trolls out there… ‘Your,’ y-o-u-r is a possessive pronoun. ‘Y-o-u’r-e’ is the contraction ‘you are,’ as in ‘you’re bad at your grammar.’ Thank you. Hashtag Hardwick smash.”

Preach!

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Ryan Murphy Touches Hearts

The Normal Heart won outstanding television movie and Director Ryan Murphy took the opportunity to give a thoughtful tribute to the people in the arts community that have died from HIV and AIDS. “This is for all of the hundreds of thousands of artists who have passed from HIV/AIDS since 1981. Your memory and your passion burns on in us.”

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Cranston (Almost) Voted for McConaughey

After awkwardly and amazingly making out with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Bryan Cranston also got to accept his final Emmy as Walter White (*sob*). Although the lead actor in a drama series category was a tough one, I figured it would either go to Breaking Bad’s Cranston or True Detective’s McConaughey — and Cranston acknowledged that too when he said, “Even I thought of voting for Matthew.”

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Sarah Silverman Wins

Sarah Silverman — you’ve warmed my heart, from showing us your stash to your acceptance speech about molecules. You may have been the best thing about the Emmys.

On the red carpet she talked about her boobs, saying, “They’re the lowest they’ve ever been and the highest they’re ever gonna be” (and then attributed the quote to Maya Angelou). When she won for outstanding writing for a variety special, she ran up to the stage (literally) and referenced her boyfriend Michael Sheen as “my love, Mr. Fancy-pants Sheen.” And wrapped the whole crazy package up with a McConaughey-esque quote: “We’re all just made of molecules, and we’re hurling through space right now. I don’t know.”

In a somewhat lackluster show, Silverman brought the party (literally).

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