What Makeup Products Should REALLY Be Called

Makeup companies are out of control when it comes to branding. Every time I turn around, they're making up words like “illuminizing,” dreaming up “edgy” names for blush like “Serial Killer Cheekbones,” and inventing tween dream mashups like Girl Scout Cookie-flavored Lip Smackers. Sometimes they try to convince us that wearing makeup is like frolicking through a 1950s candy store by choosing names like “Frosted Sugar Cookie” and “Mint Candy Apple” while insisting that every other product is “whipped.” Other times, they co-opt the language of the hardcore athlete and brand their mascaras with intimidating phrases like “Extreme Volume,” “24-Hour Staying Power,” and “Won't Quit Your Face— Ever.”

But blue eyeshadow isn't actually “Aquamarine Dreams High-Pigment Professional Glitter,” it's just powder that makes you look like you snuck into your mom's old-school makeup kit. Pink lipstick isn't actually “Secretly Kissable Magic Marker Gloss,” it's just a combination of waxes, fats, emollients, and pigment. I dream of a world where marketing is forced to tell it like it is — where McDonalds has to stop posting photos of “farm-fresh tomatoes” in their “dining area,” where Starbucks Frappuccinos are openly referred to as “melted coffee ice cream,” and where all these glittering, whipped, ultra-creamy, long-lasting makeup products are bashfully honest about the fact that they don't always deliver exactly what they promise.

Not-quit-the-right-nude nail polish

Classic red lipstick

“Effortless application” liquid eyeliner

Loose glitter

Dark purple lipstick

Primer

Pale pink blush

Lip liner

Dark nail polishes

"Haute" red eyeshadow

An elaborate contouring palette

Mascara

Mega-shine lip gloss

Illuminizer

Eyebrow pencil

A free sample of eyeshadow with real gold flakes that you'll never be able to afford:

Images: Fotolia; Design By Caroline Wurtzel