Entertainment
The Tetris Movie Is Coming: 7 Toys from Your Childhood That Would Make Worse Films
It's official: We're getting a live action Tetris movie. If you're not one of the three people in the world thinking "FINALLY!" and are one of the millions thinking, "...why?" remember: It could definitely get worse. At least Tetris has an objective, some action. Plus, anyone who's ever fallen into a Tetris marathon knows, it can get really intense. When the pieces are piling up and all you need in the world is one of the long, skinny blue ones and you're getting the weird green Z-shaped ones over and over and over... the point is that at least, with Tetris, there's room for a little suspense and tension.
To keep things in perspective for you, here are 7 other toys from your childhood that will make way worse movies when Hollywood gets desperate enough to option them.
'Water Wiggler: The Movie'
You can still get these things at gift shops, especially aquarium gift shops. The Water Wiggler is a tube of plastic full of liquid that folds into itself when you hold it vertically, so you’re constantly scrambling to “catch” it. Water Wiggler: The Movie will be a dystopian thriller in which a group of teens chosen by lottery will compete to climb the Wiggler Wall first and earn the right for their sector of What Used to Be America to eat for the year. Every time they think they’ve gained some ground, they slide right back down again. Snooty critics will praise it for (completely unintentional) allusions to Sisyphus. If production starts before 2017, Shailene Woodley will star. Rated PG-13 for being a stereotypical YA movie.
Image: cookiedough27/eBay
'Pogs: The Movie'
Pogs: The Movie will revolved around two children (probably boy-girl twins, the boy is a total slacker and the girl is a real Hermione Granger type) who are transported to the magical land of Pog, where their Wacky Uncle/Scientist Dad/Eccentric Grandfather has been kidnapped by the Gop King (get it – “gop” is “pog” spelled backwards). In order to rescue him, they have to collect the 12 Sacred Pogs, which are hidden around the Wonderland ripoff, CGI kingdom. Rated G and featuring Lea Michele as the Good Witch Poggy.
Image: mvosshi/eBay
'Gooey Louie: The Movie'
Gooey Louie: The Movie is a computer-animated romp through Gooey Grove, where Louie (a reluctant and wisecracking hero voiced by Ray Romano) must stop Lord Goom from stealing all the Goo in Gooey Grove and save the fair Princess Goop (voiced by Gwyneth Paltrow, in an attempt to prove she can laugh at herself). Think Shrek, but entirely goo-themed. Rated PG for mild bathroom humor and sexual innuendos that will go over the target audience’s heads. Image: dekjsk/eBay
'Puppy Surprise: The Movie'
Puppy Surprise: The Movie is a heart-wrenching drama about a family’s beloved dog (Cuddles, voiced by Sandra Bullock) and her problematic pregnancy with an unknown number of puppies (three? four? five? WHO KNOWS?). Laugh and cry (but mostly cry) as the Johnson Family (Russell Crowe as the father, Naomi Watts as the mother, two kids from Disney Channel as the kids) learns to let go and Cuddles dies while delivering [SPOILER] healthy pups. It’s everything that made you hate Old Yeller and more. Rated PG for intense sadness.
Image: clochette-1982/eBay
'Gak: The Movie'
Gak: The Movie is a sci-fi comedy starring Jaden Smith and Emma Roberts as Future Space Cop Partners who travel the galaxy giving out intergalactic parking tickets and waiting for their Big Break to show the Chief (played by Ice T) they have what it takes to be on the front lines of Earth’s constant battle against alien scum. They get their chance when they each get covered in Gak, an alien substance that gives them Alex Mack-like powers. Everything is going great – until they realize the Gak is actually controlling them! Can they save the universe – and themselves – before it’s too late? (Spoiler alert: Yes, they can.) Rated PG-13 for mild language and cartoon violence.
Image: purpleantstore14/eBay
'Doodle Bear: The Movie'
Doodle Bear: The Movie is a gritty, noir take on the classic 90s toy, starring a computer animated, life-sized bear named Doodles (played by Andy Serkis). Doodles used to be a cop, but after leaving the force in disgrace, he’s a private eye, riddled with the scars (DOODLES) of his past. Co-directed by Christopher Nolan and Peter Jackson (yeah, the DGA made an exception), and featuring Katy Perry in her acting debut, Doodle Bear: The Movie is rated NC-17 for graphic nudity and violence and strong language.
Image: shopmisseloise/eBay
'Koosh Balls: The Movie'
Koosh Balls: The Movie is a Pixar movie about Koosh Balls. It features the voice talents of Chris Pratt and Kristen Bell and is surprisingly delightful. It’s visually spectacular, emotionally moving and laugh-out-loud funny. I mean, I wanted to hate it, but they really make you root for Chris the Koosh. Sorry, Tetris.
Image: justanotherkat/eBay
