In a lot of ways, this new tweet from Miley Cyrus is sweet. Like, it's nice that Billy Ray Cyrus is being a supportive dad in Miley's post-twerktastic-VMAs-performance time of need. Really, it's sweet! That's what a good dad should do — stand behind his daughter, and not judge her when she's an adult and can make her own decisions about what she does with her body and VMAs performance.
But THIS IS A FRIGHTENING THOUGHT OMG BILLY RAY CYRUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAKE IT STOP. As the tweet reads, "'Mile, if twerkin woulda been invented.... And I had a foam finger.... I woulda done the same thang you did.'-DAD."
Right now, all I can do is think of everything I know about Cyrus' performance — the foam finger, the nude bikini costume, Miley shoving her face in a dancer's ass and slapping it repeatedly, then twerking both by herself and then Robin Thicke — and then promptly replace Miley with Billy Ray Cyrus. You think I'm calm because I'm able to sit at a desk and type this out right now? I'm not. I'm moments away from rocking back and forth in a fetal position on my hardwood floor, while "Achy Breaky Heart" plays in the background so I can remind myself that Billy Ray Cyrus' career never really consisted of twerking, just cheesy country music.
And now, I'm just thinking of him twerking while he sings "Achy Breaky Heart." SOS. Send help. This is not a drill.
