It's Super Easy To Get on 'Millionaire Matchmaker'

If I were single and a millionaire, I'm not sure I would seek anyone's dating advice. They say money can't buy happiness, but I've never seen anyone frown while having a Starbucks built inside their mansion, right? But some rich people want someone to fall in love with and grow old beside, and so they turn to Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger for help. If you've seen the show, it's easy to see why — her no-bull method of helping people find love seems to be the only way she can get through to some of the douchebags she deals with on a daily basis, and I have a feeling that some of these guys would never be able to find their match without her help. Are you a millionaire looking for love, or just want to attend one of Patti's mixers? Getting on Millionaire Matchmaker is easier than I thought.

All it takes is filling out a few casting forms online and hoping you get called in for an audition — but in the process, you're basically signing your firstborn child over to Bravo. When the show's casting (and right now, it looks like it's closed for this season), you can head to The Casting Firm's Millionaire Matchmaker page to start the process. As a millionaire, you're required to have a net worth of at least $1 million, be willing to find and enter a serious relationship, and provide your own travel arrangements to LA if you're selected — none of these things are too surprising, right?

And if you just want to attend one of the on-screen mixers? No big deal, just be willing to turn over every detail of your life to Patti and her crew. This girl wants to know just about everything about you, asking for everything from a link to your Facebook to personal questions about your past relationships. The form also asks applicants to rank how much they enjoy different activities, like cooking, working out, and outdoor activities, and then requires references and headshots. Phew.

Not interested in being on the show, but still want Patti's help? Totally possible, but it's going to cost you. As a millionaire, the memberships to the Millionaire's Club are equal to a year of college tuition — or way more, depending on which membership you choose. The cheapest, starting at $25,000, only offers you a six month membership and a 30 minute relationship counseling session. If you want Patti to be your matchmaker, it'll cost you a cool $85,000 per year.

And in case you don't happen to have $85k lying around, you can still get Patti's help. After all, 30 minutes on the phone with her only costs $750. Want to meet her for lunch? That'll be $10k, please. I'm sorry, what? Oh, and there are no refunds.

So, um, maybe let's just watch the show and stick to dating in the tradition way. After all, Tinder is free!