Well, I'll be. Jax really out Jax’d himself this week! During Monday night’s Vanderpump Rules , Kristen relayed to Stassi (yes, you read that correctly. The two met up. And no, it didn’t end in a brawl. We're making progress, y'all!) some of the salacious goss she’d heard about Tom Schwartz and Katie. No, crotch motor-boating didn't play an integral role in the new batch of rumors (bummer, right?). According to Kristen's sources, Tom Schwartz has hooked up with two other ladies. Kristen's sources: Jax and Scheana. (I must say, I do appreciate Jax and Scheana's commitment to the gossip hustle.)
Scheana's story: Tom Schwartz made out with one of her friends a few years ago. Jax's story: While they were in Las Vegas, Tom Schwartz went to the bone zone with a friend of Tiffany's.
One story was true. The other story was bunk. Guess which story was bunk!
Tom Schwartz admitted to Katie that he got his mack on with one of Scheana's friends. As for Jax's account? Nothin' but a steaming pile of dung. Jax's Machiavellian plan: Katie would hear the Vegas story, dump Tom Schwartz, and Tom Schwartz would live happily ever after.
But everything didn't go exactly according to Jax's plan. Here are the notes I took on the tornado that consumed a majority of the episode:
- Kristen asked Jax about the Vegas hookup tale.
- Jax told Kristen he didn't witness anything, so he doesn't know if Tom Schwartz slept with someone else in Vegas.
- Jax told Kristen he wished Tom Schwartz would sleep with someone else in front of Katie (I'm paraphrasing).
- Katie confronted Jax about what Kristen told Stassi; Jax told Katie that Kristen was "maybe" lying.
- Tom Schwartz told Katie he did smooch Scheana's friend, but did not sleep with Tiffany's friend in Vegas.
- The make out admission devastated Katie.
- Katie and Jax argued while Tom Schwartz anxiously tried to diffuse the situation.
- The next day, Tom Schwartz dropped by Jax's apartment. Jax confessed he told Kristen that Tom Schwartz cheated on Katie while they were in Vegas.
- Jax didn't explicitly say he made up the story, but if you ask me... [side eye.] It's implied.
- Jax told Tom Schwartz that Katie is "a bad person." He said he wanted to break up Katie and Tom Schwartz for Tom Schwartz's sake.
- Jax said "those girls" make him so mad sometimes, so he just "fires."
- Tom Schwartz angrily paced around Jax's apartment.
- Tom Schwartz didn't stay angry at Jax for long. "It's a bro thing," he said in a talking head.
- Katie told Stassi and Kristina she doesn't believe Tom Schwartz slept with Tiffany's friend, but did say she's worried Tom Schwartz isn't as serious about their relationship as she is.
- Tom Schwartz surprised Katie with flowers while she was venting to Stassi and Kristina.
- The episode ended.
To recap: Jax told a lie. And lied about the lie. And told the truth about the lie. And told the truth about the lie about the lie. And said he did all of it for some "greater good." And Tom Schwartz forgave him.
Will Katie forgive Tom Schwartz for swappin' spit (ew, I'm sorry) with another woman? I mean, I assume so. Because uh—spoiler alert— the couple is still together.
AND THAT REMINDS ME: Where the HECK was Gordo this ep? Next ep better make up for this week's lack of dog underbite.