Admit it: while all your friends were giggling this week about the "sex selfie stick" that takes photos of the inside of your vagina, there was a part of you that...kinda got it. Like, who knows if you have a photogenic vagina? You've never even checked! Also, who even knows how it would look with the right filter? Throw some Earlybird on there, and you might just be on the road to taking the best vagelfies in town!
If any of those last few sentence made any sense to you, I am sorry to inform you that your selfie obsession has gotten out of hand. That's why we brought you here today — to tell you that your constant selfies are not only hurting everyone who cares about you; they're also hurting you. We only want what's best for you. That's why we want you to stop. How do I know what's best for you? Why do I keep referring to myself as "we"? Who am I? How did I get into you house? Those questions sound like the struggling queries of someone who is in denial, young lady. Also, your front door was open, I just walked in. You should really start locking it; there's a lot of weirdos walking around this neighborhood.
Still don't believe that you need some selfie helpie? Well, we'll still be here when you decide to finally confront your problem. Until then, I'll just leave this list of 7 ways to tell your selfie obsession is completely out of hand right over here. Oh god, can you at least wait until I leave the room before you start pouting seductively into your forward-facing camera?
1. All The Anti-Selfie Studies Just Make You Want To Take More
Psychological studies that say posting constant selfies makes you a narcissist? That taking them all the time might mean you're a psychopath? And that sharing dozens of them every day on social media definitely damages your real-life relationships? You're not sweating them. Like, how could someone who looks this good from this many angles be a psychopath? Plus, if you were narcissist, surely someone would have mentioned it in the comments of the 30+ selfies you post every day. So you just relax, and then take a a selfie "dedicated to all my haters at the American Psychological Association."
2. You've Had Sex Specifically To Take An #AfterSex Selfie
Possibly with a very photogenic stranger. Who you then possibly kicked out of your house, immediately after your #aftersex selfie photo shoot was done.
3. In Your Mind, It's Always #TBT Somewhere
Also, you have an extremely loose definition of what counts as a "throwback." As in, you are throwing back to three days ago. You know, when you were that weird brown shirt your mom got you for Christmas. God, it's like you were a completely different person then.
4. If You Didn't Take A Selfie During It, You're Not Sure It Really Happened
How can you know you had a good time on Friday night if you didn't take 100 pictures of yourself doing it? How great can a concert be if you don't spend the entire time taking pictures of yourself making a "rocking out" face? If a tree falls in an empty forest, and you didn't spend 20 minutes kind of squatting next to the tree, trying to appear relaxed and outdoorsy while also capturing your new haircut from a good angle, did it even really happen?
5. You Think The Ban On Selfie Sticks In Museums Is A Violation Of Your Rights As An American
Would George Washington have even bothered crossing the Delaware and stuff if he knew that one day, the citizens of his great country would use their beautiful democracy to ban selfie sticks at many of the country's most famous museums, thereby depriving you of your right to take a flattering photo in front of Oscar the Grouch at the Smithsonian? He probably would have just kept paying that tea tax, guys. We're trampling all over the dreams of the founding fathers here! Don't even front like Ben Franklin wouldn't have loved #GPOY.
6. Your Friends Are Sick Of Being Your Selfie Accessories
They are tired of being told to move their head a little more to the left, to hold that smile just one sec longer, to pose with their cookie for 45 photos before you let them eat it. Well, who needs them? You'll get new friends! Better friends! Friends who understand the real meaning of friendship: posing in a symmetrical fashion around objects that will look cool on Instagram. You'll make new friends with your sex selfie stick if you have to, damn it!
7. You're Taking A Selfie Right Now
Well, if you don't, how is anyone ever going to know that you read this article all the way to the end?