Look, I could sit here and write an article about "times you need a glass of wine" but I don't have my whole life to think of the infinity reasons why, and you probably wouldn't appreciate me writing "All the goddamn time" and then peace-ing out. See, we are all of us united by this common thread: At any given moment, anywhere in time, we deserve a glass of wine. I could surely find all kinds of studies to back me up with some very real science that says a glass of red wine is the equivalent of exercising for an hour, and that it's supposed to be good for your memory, but the truth is we all just want to get wine turnt because there ain't no happy buzz like a wine buzz in this world.
So yeah, you always deserve a glass of wine. You're reading this right now and you deserve one. (I'll pause while you go grab a bottle and pour yourself one.) But every now and then (aka, most days), something happens when you don't need one glass of wine—you need two glasses. (Or more! I'm not here to cast wine judgment, y'all. I just spent my weekend reading young adult fiction whilst buzzed on rosé.) Anyway, you might not be able to recognize that it is a Two Wine Glass Situation when you're living in it, but never fear, because one you read this list of them you'll be fully prepared for whenever life throws them at you:
Any time you’re watching Scandal or Mad Men
Or just one of ~those~ shows in general. The ones that make you feel classy and smug for watching and live-tweeting and insufferably spoiling it for all your friends during and after. There is something about these shows that just demands that you get as classy as the characters in them. (Sorry, "classy" is a synonym for "wine drunk," right? Pretty sure I read that in an SAT book somewhere.)
Any time you open the Tinder app
Or any of its dating app brethren, for that matter. You're gonna need the wine high to scroll past all these damn tiger selfies, before you just give up and decide to date a literal tiger instead.
When you're hung up on an online shopping decision
Your Amazon shopping cart is basically purgatory for all your Pinterest and #LifeGoal aspirations. You know you want to buy the thing, and you're totally going to buy the thing, but something has stopped you from clicking the "order" button and it's gone on so long that you basically have Amazon ordering stage fright. There's a second glass of wine for that.
Whenever the wine is free
Actually, if you don't drink a second glass of wine in this circumstance, you're pretty much a shame to the entire human race.
When your first date is a snooze fest
It happens every now and then: You're set up with a friend of a friend, or you go out with someone you met online, and it turns out you are both very dull company for each other and have literally nothing in common. Except WINE, that is. Raise a glass and toast to your bored selves.
When your first date is like whoa
I mean, pat yourself on the back. Someone's getting made out with in an Uber tonight. You deserve a pre-celebration glass for sure.
Whenever it's cold outside
"Cold" is included and not limited to "a light breeze that you either felt or fear you are in danger of feeling", even when it's a bajillion degrees outside. You must stay vigilant. Wine drunk warmth is a real life responsibility.
Whenever someone plays a Spice Girls song
Or any other similarly nostalgic song. If you weren't legal in the nineties, it is your obligation to the universe to make up for lost wine (er, time). And if you were legal in the nineties, then THROWBACK, because obvi you were drinking wine when you listened to them back then.
When you're alone on a Friday night
Managing to not make any plans with anyone on a Friday night is a brave and commendable feat, which should be rewarded with extra wine. CHEERS.
Whenever you do something even vaguely impressive at work
Changing the printer ink is plenty excuse to #rage. You're an office HERO.
When you're in any kind of compromising situation with a relative or in-law
Half of this strategy is just to have something to do with your hands and mouth to avoid and/or stall answering questions. The other half is because wine makes everything more bearable and if you're already being subjected to the line of fire, you need this to survive.
When you're already wearing something with an elastic waistband
If wine could magically turn itself into clothes, it would be sweatpants. If that doesn't justify another glass than what DOES, professor?!?
When you're jet-lagged
10-minute commutes home totally count.
When you have to clear your inbox from family/friend things you've put off
If your inbox is already filled the brim, odds are you have like a dozen slightly ticked off people wondering why you fell off the map. So reply to their messages with your Best You, aka, you after two glasses of wine. It makes your email mountain a little more bearable to climb, and tipsy you is obvi ~hilarious~ and deserves the blank canvas of your screen to show it off. Win-win-WIN.
When you have to write thank you notes
For all the same reasons above, and also because getting wine turnt can only improve the hopeless cursive you haven't broken out since, like, third grade.
Whenever you cook something
Or, y'know, "cook" something. It took a lot of effort setting the oven for that DiGiornio pizza. It'll take even more effort to lift the whole thing off the plate every time you bite into it. (Pizzas aren't for sharing, according to Joey Tribbiani and, well, everything.)
Whenever the bottle only has one glass left in it
It's kind of your moral responsibility to not leave that one glass worth of wine left in the bottle all by itself. It'll feel naked and afraid without the rest of the wine. Be its hero. Drink it down.
All the time always
Aw, screw it. Pass the bottle.
Images: NBC; Giphy(12)
