Kanye Would Want These At His Wedding

So Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are going to have the Kraziest Wedding Ever. (Well, At Least Since Her Last One®.) Because true love is good when everyone has it — but it's even better when left in the capable hands of rich people like Kanye and Kim. Especially people who are brands! Because they know that true love isn't about intimate moments of thoughtful expression of feelings and compatibility — IT'S FOR FIGHTER JETS!!! That's right: Kanye West wants to have fighter jets at his wedding to Kim Kardashian to prove to her that love is everlasting and nothing says that like very loud, metal military birds. Because who needs private, authentic moments when you can have a public morality play ensue, complete with masturbatory self-idolization worship? NOT THIS GUY, DUH.

So, since the self-appointed "creative genius" who doesn't "do publicity stunts, ever" (haaaaaaa) has a lot on his plate at the moment (given his new baby and the world tour he's about to embark on in support of Yeezus), we decided to shoot him a few Grade-A-The-Best-Ever ideas for the impending co-branding. I mean, wedding. Really, guys, the day going to be really romantic. Especially with...

Groomsmen Wardrobe. Three words: Leather jogging pant.

Kurt Cobain's Ghost. He'll perform the first dance ditty.

Chinchillas. As security. Think about it — so unsuspecting.

Diamond Name Cards. Only if he can get the name engraved on the inside of the diamond with a laser.

Baroque Everything. We're talking candelabras, dance halls, gold filigree for days. ALL OF IT.

Dancing Elephants. But only if they perform a choreographed dance to "Jesus Walks" prior to Kanye's procession down the aisle. I mean, natch.

A Hologram Jesus Driving a Maybach. How else will Kim get to the altar?

These $800 Maison Martin Margiela Shoes. Every groom needs something a lil special!

Medieval Tapestries of Kim Kardashian, Naked, with North West. Hang 'em from every wall. They're made of fabric. It's ART!!!

Kanye West will top his outlandish proposal with a wedding fit for a Michael Bay action jizzfest, erm, sequence, because of course he will. Because while money cannot buy authentic emotions and intimacy, it CAN buy chinchillas and diamonds and pythons and LCD screens and big fancy rocks and really loud metal objects. So suck on that style, Poors!

Images: Saatchi & Saatchi UK [1]; Mason Martin Margiela [1]; WIkipedia [2]; Balmain [1]; Lionsgate [1]; The Metropolitan Museum of Art [1]