Dirty talk isn't for everyone. In fact, I gotta admit that the bulk of my sex partners have reluctant to even let out any voluntary moans. For some people, it's simply a matter of not knowing how to talk dirty during sex. It's a bummer, really, that folks can develop such a narrow scope of what's considered dirty and what's considered acceptable or appropriate. It's really just so sad when anything holds people back from letting go during sex. Plenty of people don't like talking dirty, despite the many reasons to try it. I get it, it's kinda hard to gauge your partner's freak levels and pull it off without sounding like a weirdo. However, there are other options. There are other things, frankly, most of us would prefer to hear when straddling someone or getting straddled.
Everyone is different, obviously, but personally I have experienced zero physical or emotional perks when a partner has leaned into my ear and whispered phrases you only hear in especially raunchy pornos. Honestly, watching porn while going solo (or "masturbating" as science calls it) is kinda like watching a cooking show as you scoop canned olives from their discount brine into your mouth. It's not the same, therefore, you shouldn't have any serious expectation of being able to seamlessly transfer tidbits from either professional scenario into real life. So in an effort to consider real panty-melting triggers, I compiled a list of things we wish our partners would say to us during sex. Take note and happy best-life orgasming.
"Your clothes were still damp so I restarted the dryer for a second low-heat cycle."
Confession: This is a real text my partner sent this morning since I am cheap and do laundry at his place instead of paying for the laundromat. Second confession: My partner is definitely getting laid next time I see him. This is endlessly thoughtful and sweet.
"I wish you'd update our secret recipe board more."
There's no way my partner and I are alone in this secret recipe board biz. However, I doubt we're also alone in the respect that I'm the only one who ever pins to it. This kind of sentiment would show appreciation and attention to detail. And food. Food is important.
"I wanna get queso later."
Co-sign. If you wanna really amp up the steam factor, perhaps take on the invite to order in said queso. What? Go for it if you're going to actually going to go for it.
"Let's visit the beach (and I won't protest to reapplying sunscreen)."
Ooh! Sand, waves, bae, AND bae's sun-protected bod? I shouldn't be in allowed in public right now.
"You should let me separate the recycling."
Absolutely one of the worst parts about trying to lead a green life. There are so many clandestine numbers (like, did you know there's several types of cardboard identified by associated numbers? Madness) and allocations and it's too much. It sure would be nice to relegate this chore to someone...especially if they are willing and also gifted in sex things.
"I added Dance Moms to the Netflix cue. We should marathon."
HELLO. This is clearly the perfect accompaniment to the queso delivery. This also might be Real love.
"You had a point about IKEA."
When growing desperate for something to say, resorting to flattery is always a good plan. Especially if said flattery deals directly with interior decorating or Swedish topics.
"I'm gonna commit to either full beard or no beard from now on."
None of that stubble stuff. I actually once Googled if flaky chin was indication of any type of STD or STI before discovering it happened only because my date vacillated with facial hair maintenance.
"We should throw a potluck."
Yes yes yes. But only if we keep a secret, hidden reserve of extra cheese and wine for us only. And consult the secret recipe board.
"I'll never leave the toilet seat up ever again."
I am of the midnight-pee species of human. I have to pee frequently, sometimes interrupting sleep. When this urge surfaces, I usually embark glasses-less and in the complete dark regardless of the fact I regularly fall in to the cold toilet water since dudes usually leave the seat up. Such a promise is a MAJOR turn-on.
"Would you help me go shopping for summer pieces soon?"
One of the best things in life ever is getting to play dress up with your totally smokin' significant other. And not pay a single dollar! Hands down fantastic.
"Let's get pedicures tomorrow. My treat."
UM. OK. YEAH WE SHOULD.
"I'm gonna scratch your head until you fall asleep and will lie when you later ask if you snored."
Swoon. Dead. I'm dead.
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