Books
This year on Valentine's Day, I find myself almost entirely single. That's fine, though. It just means that I have more time to devote to the things that are truly important to me: fantasizing about literary characters while eating drugstore chocolates in bed. The world of literature is wide, after all, and full of crush-able characters. From socially awkward Regency bachelors to devastatingly handsome vampire men, books are a great source for Valentines who won't stand you up at the last minute or spend all of dinner looking at their phones. Here's my list of literary characters who I would like to formally ask to be my Valentine this year.
Now, to be clear, this list is going to be colored by my own personal taste in Valentines. I am not endorsing all of these characters as grade A romantic partners, or even as good dudes (or ladies). A lot of them would be terrible to date in real life. Luckily, they do not exist in real life, and I can pretend that they have all reformed and become excellent, caring partners within the safety of my imagination. I mean, I took the Phantom of the Opera off the list, what more do you want from me?
So here are my beautiful, fictional Valentines this year, and I will be expecting a card from each of them:
1
Mr. Darcy from 'Pride and Prejudice'
Do I even have to explain this one? Mr. Darcy is Fictional Crushes 101. He's handsome, awkward, rich, and romantic in a withholding sort of way.
Ideal date: Tea in the garden, followed by a marriage proposal.
2
Roland Deschain from The Stand
I don't usually condone gun violence, but I would make an exception for Roland, the last gunslinger from Stephen King's Dark Tower series. Roland is gruff, hot, and interested in saving the multi-verse from certain destruction.
Ideal Date: A romantic stroll on the beach while fending off the lobster monsters.
3
Arthur Dent from 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'
Arthur Dent has everything I look for in a date: anxiety, confusion, love of tea, and the ability to take me on a (begrudging) space adventure.
Ideal Date: Exploring a new planet with our towels firmly in hand.
4
Aragorn from Lord of the Rings
Yeah, I know he's the token straight guy from the Lord of the Rings, but man is Arwen one lucky elf. Aragorn is handsome, brave, and, most attractive of all, usually competent.
Ideal Date: A quiet night in at the palace of Gondor (he could probably use a rest).
5
Benedick from 'Much Ado About Nothing'
What's more attractive than a guy with a great sense of humor? How about a guy with a great sense of humor who loves to argue? Benedick from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing has a biting wit, but he's looking for a smart lady who can match him barb for barb.
Ideal Date: Ironically viewing a bad movie and trying to out-do each other with our running commentary.
6
Heathcliff from 'Wuthering Heights'
Yes, yes, objectively Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights is a terrible romantic option. He's the worst. He dedicates his life to making everyone miserable because Cathy dumped him. But... he's also pretty sexy, so there's that.
Ideal Date: Making out on a windswept heath and trying to make our exes jealous.
7
Brienne of Tarth 'Game Of Thrones'
Forget about Jon "Pretty Boy" Snow. The only acceptable crush from A Song of Ice and Fire is Brienne (or maybe Tyrion, if he cut back on the booze). Brienne is loyal, sweet, and will defend you to the death with a huge freaking sword.
Ideal Date: Fencing practice and pigeon pies.
8
Lestat de Lioncourt from 'The Vampire Chronicles'
Again, not the best for long-term romance. But what's a list of literary crushes without at least one vampire? Lestat is handsome, cruel, dramatic, and a lover of music and literature, as well as human blood.
Ideal Date: Shopping for blouses together, and then going to see his vampire rock band.
9
Gogol Ganguli 'The Namesake'
OK, all vampires aside, Gogol from The Namesake is the real mythical creature here: a handsome architect looking for love. Sure, he has some issues with his family, but who doesn't want to date a handsome, family-oriented architect?
Ideal Date: Drinks at an upscale New York bar while he unloads all of his complex feelings about his father.
10
Wizard Howl from 'Howl's Moving Castle'
Howl from Howl's Moving Castle is that perfect combination of charming gentleman and reclusive, self-absorbed wizard. He spends two hours in the bathroom every morning, but he makes up for it by surprising you with magic and whatnot.
Ideal Date: Visiting a hair salon together and then having a precarious rooftop picnic on his moving castle.
11
Shadow Moon from 'American Gods'
Forget about your cheating zombie wife, Shadow, because I think we'd make a great pair. You're incredibly good looking, kind, and great at coin tricks. And I'm... a big fan of all of those things, plus I've read the book American Gods.
Ideal Date: Visiting corny roadside attractions and keeping a low profile from ancient, evil deities.
12
Gilbert Blythe from 'Anne Of Green Gables'
It honestly took me a while to come around on clever, annoying Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables. But what can I say: Gilbert just has that certain, non-threatening Canadian charm.
Ideal Date: Drinking current wine in the forest and swapping lesson plans.
13
Orlando from 'Orlando'
Orlando from Virginia Woolf's Orlando is really the dream Valentine. They can regale you with thrilling tales from their immortal life of debauchery, take you wig shopping, and converse intelligently on gender theory all night long.
Ideal Date: Going to a museum and hearing all the dirt Orlando has on various historical figures
14
Jane Eyre from 'Jane Eyre'
Personally, I'd probably rather have Jane as a Galentine than a traditional Valentine, so we can commiserate over two-timing men who lock their wives in the attic and start a small business together.
Ideal Date: Leaving our boyfriends and walking resolutely across the moors in search of a better life.
15
Viktor Krum from Harry Potter
Viktor Krum is underrated when it comes to Harry Potter hunks. He's less of an emotional mess than Draco or Harry, and a little less clueless than Ron. Plus, he has that beautiful Quidditch body (I assume).
Ideal Date: He gets me tickets to a Quidditch game, but then he catches the snitch right away so I don't actually have to watch any sports.
