Life
Breaking up may be hard to do, but moving on from your ex can be a waking nightmare, especially because most of us cannot definitively say — staring into the future from an immediately post-split vantage point — when the emotional sh*tstorm will pass.
In a one-sided breakup situation, the dumped party may well experience residual longing, confusion, remorse, anger, and general upset as the other person pulls coolly away. Or, the person doing the dumping may battle guilt, alongside a lack of resolution and sadness — have you ever broken up with someone not because you wanted to, but because some specific situation made it inescapably clear that no other option existed? No? Well let me just tell you, that'll plunge you into a very special hell — and frustration at the circumstances. And even in mutual separations, the lingering love or retroactive fondness may make it hard even to conceive of entertaining attraction for someone else. People break up because they have to switch cities. People break up because of infidelities. People break up because of divergent desires for the future. People break up for a lot of reasons that aren't "I've discovered that I loathe you and I cannot wait to live without you," and so the ghosts of relationships past often hang around for far longer than they're welcome. And that's when some of us might find ourselves sitting across the table from a psychic, asking when (if ever) we can expect to be over our exes.
"For folks [who] are really stuck, like fixating on the loss for an unusually long amount of time, it's important to note that healing from the loss requires great effort. There is no magic wand that I or anyone else can wave that can alleviate the pain," Brooklyn-based psychic Emily Grote tells Bustle. "Finding your way back to joy and happiness is an inside job." And if a psychic advertises a special service to help you re-snare your former partner — for a price — Grote says to get out of there ASAP.
Still, people see psychics to resolve questions from relationships past all the time. To best avoid scams, Grote recommends withholding information at first meeting. "Let the psychic get a cold read on the person's name or picture, their initial first impression," she says. If what you're hearing hits home, then you can consider moving into ex territory.
Among the more frequently asked breakup questions, psychic Tracey Brown tells Bustle, are: Will we get back together? Was separating the right decision? Was this person "The One"? When will I meet someone new? When people come to her asking for this brand of insight, Brown says, "They're not asking the right questions." And what, exactly, are those? Here are five questions to ask a psychic if you want help getting over your ex.
1
Why Did It End?
Grote recommends asking your psychic why the relationship ended. Not only could their answer to that question help reinforce the psychic's legitimacy — if they offer details you hadn't mentioned, about which they'd have to way of knowing — it could reveal motivations that hadn't been clear to you before.
Asking "why did it end?" could help you make better sense of the split, whether because something was off on your end and you couldn't see it, or because something prevented your partner from pursuing the relationship. Even if the answer is some version of "you two just didn't fit," that can be a difficult truth to acknowledge when you're still tangled up in your feelings and trying to dredge it up on your own.
2
What Was I Meant To Learn From This Person And Our Shared Experience?
Grote suggests probing the psychic for relationship takeaways, and this too makes sense. "If you don’t understand how you all got here, you’re only going to recreate [the same problems] with someone else," says Brown. "And then it’s a vicious cycle, the same damn thing over and over again," the same impediments to happiness, the same pursuit of things you think you want but that actually hurt you. So ask your psychic to clarify the key lessons for you, and work on internalizing those moving forward.
3
Will We Reconnect In The Future?
Grote says this could be a productive question to ask, and sure: You may want to arm yourself with information so that you're prepared for a run-in, or you may simply be hopeful. Brown says broken hearts ask her about future reunions all the time, and when they do, "I’ll see what the cards tell me," she says. "If the answer is no, I’m going to say no, but I’m going to add all the reasons why no is important."
Ask your psychic whether or not your paths will cross again, but also brace for the truth — even if it's a reminder of all the things that made your former union an ill fit. "You need to understand reality, to get on with your life, to be with the person you’re supposed to be with," Brown says.
4
What Is The Best Way To Move Forward?
If you can't see a path forward, perhaps someone endowed with the second sight can — Grote suggests asking. The thing to focus on when seeking psychic insight is not how to get someone back, though: People have their own wills, and you should respect that even if you wish the situation were different. When people ask her how to get over someone, Brown says, "Sometimes I tell them to feel the pain, sit in it, feel it. How do you know what you want if you’re not acknowledging somebody hurt you and how they hurt you? I tell them to meditate. I tell them to breathe, just breathe. I tell them if you’re feeling depressed, feel the depression."
While she says not to hide it, she cautions, "Don’t stay in it too long, because that’s another level of not releasing the person." Stay off their social media accounts, and considering blocking them from contacting you. A person who wants to contact you will find a way, but leaving your inboxes open to an ex means "the expectation and the hope that [they] will call someday is always there if you have an opening for [them] to reach out to you," Brown says.
"Surround yourself with friends and commit to doing fun things," Grote says. "It's natural to unload on friends every blow-by-blow of how the relationship ended, but beyond a month or so, refrain from harping on the ex and the relationship. Nothing is to be gained by re-hashing — no matter how it may feel good in the moment."
5
When Am I Going To Meet A Match Who's Actually Good For Me?
Satisfying requests to predict future partners is tricky, Brown says, because people often want to hear that they'll find someone new next week. Whether or not that person is someone they should actually be with is another matter entirely, even if they do come along quickly. The right question to ask, Brown says, is: "When am I going to meet someone who’s good for my soul, good for my heart, who’s gonna love me?" And, presumably, whom you will also love.
If you're asking that question, though, be sure you can handle a wait. Most people are mismatched, Brown says, and the super solid pairings strike us as special particularly because they're rare. "You know when someone is the one when there’s no resistance," Brown says. "It’s fluid, it’s fun, it’s engaging," and while there may be other obstacles, those obstacles tend to be situational rather than specific to the two of you. Breaking up and getting back together over and over again is resistance, Brown says. If it's right, you'll be able to work through difficulties as they arise.
Getting to that person — or, one of those people, if you believe there's more than one for everyone — she stresses, demands unpacking your own baggage and understanding where relationships past have gone wrong. And that kind of self-work takes time.
6
The Bottom Line
"This is a tough subject," Grote says. "It can be an intractable problem for some clients if one is stubborn or not easily moved. If the client is flexible and a more free-flowing personality, they are more likely to see the loss of a partner as an opportunity for learning. This, of course, is by far a healthier approach to the loss."
So give yourself that time, and process the breakup on your own clock. Don't expect someone else to conjure up immediate solutions for you, freeing you from the obligation to get your own house in order.
