Entertainment
There's like, 15, maybe 20 songs in the Christmas tunes canon. We shelve them away each year, then unleash them sometime in November and annoy the hell out of everyone with them. You've got your Mariahs, and your "Fairytale of New York"s, and your brrrraaaam bram bram bram brams (that's my rendition of "Little Drummer Boy," anyway), but what about the ones that get left behind? That's right, I'm talking about the weird Christmas songs that time has forgotten.
There are so many delightfully ridiculous Christmas songs, it's hard to keep track of them all. You'd probably forgotten all about Mr Blobby's "Christmas in Blobbyland," hadn't you? And even Roy Wood's slightly regrettable meeting with The Wombles on "I Wish It Could Be a Wombling Merry Christmas Everyday," right? Well, it's time to lodge those seasonal ear worms back in, as you cast your mind back to some Crimbo deep cuts.
Many musicians have tried to capitalise on the season, but for every Mariah, there's a track that the artist, producer, label, and general public probably wish they could forget. But hey, at least they brought some joy for one Christmas. There have been some seriously questionable ones, but here are the weirdest Christmas tunes of them all.
1
'Last Christmas' by Crazy Frog
Crazy Frog was either a major cultural lowpoint or an actual hellspawn who ascended to Earth. Either way, not good. Put Satan's child in a bobble hat and mittens and things are still... not good. In the case of Crazy 'Lucifer' Frog's "Last Christmas" — well, it's patently both an affront to humanity and to the memory of George Michael (RIP). Does it still fully slap though? Abso-frogging-lutely.
2
'Jingle Bells' by Basshunter
The Bee Gees, Diana Ross, Basshunter. What do they have in common? Nothing, actually — but while you're here, Basshunter did manage to muster an impressively obnoxious Christmas tune back in the day. So, it's just jingle bells, with Basshunter singing, and you guessed it — some bass. The Swedish DJ may have gone off the radar a bit now, but force everyone to remember his existence by chucking this classic on the Crimbo playlist, and you've got... basically no winners.
3
'Have a Cheeky Christmas' by The Cheeky Girls
"Name a more iconic duo, I'll wait," has never been truer than in the case of The Cheeky Girls. While they were most famous for telling us, "Don't be shy...Touch My Bum," they went another step further and demanded we "Have A Cheeky Christmas" soon after. How does one have a "cheeky" Christmas? Well, by "Getting sexy in the snow," (no thanks), and having Santa Clause "feeling up my stockings" (seriously ladies, I'm good).
4
'Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto' by Snoop Dogg and Friends
In 2017, Snoop Dogg — apparently now patron saint of Christmas — gifted the world with "Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto," which featured Boyz II Men. He gave the the same gift 11 years earlier in 1996, that time with Nate Dogg featuring. While Snoop Dogg on a Christmas track might sound ridiculous, it's actually pretty heavy stuff. On it, he reminds us that "Life is so crucial and cold, [it's worse] for the children/In this world they hopes and dreams can't afford." But what do they get? A Christmas miracle. "Now we ballin'," he raps.
5
'Christmas Unicorn' by Sufjan Stevens
Sufjan Stevens, the man responsible for the gorgeous Call Me By Your Name soundtrack, once set out to write an album about every state. While he didn't come close to achieving that, he did make a few super long Christmas albums, for some reason. There are takes on some more traditional songs, like "Silent Night," but there are also some outrageous originals. The standout among them is "Christmas Unicorn," in which Suf imagines himself a, you guessed it, "Christmas unicorn/In a uniform made of gold." So relatable.
