It’s Oscar season. You know what that means, right? Yep: Gift bags full of ridiculous (and ridiculously expensive) items. With the 2019 Academy Awards fast approaching, it’s no surprise that news of the contents of this year’s bags has just emerged — and interestingly, there appears to be kind of a loose (and possibly unintentional) theme tying many of the items together: The 2019 Oscar gift bags have tons of self-care items in them, many of which happen to involve ingredient-of-the-moment CBD. Looks like the lucky recipients of all that swag are in for a super chill night.
As Tanya Pai and Caroline Framke explained at Vox in 2017, Oscar gift bags, which are distributed by companies that have “no relationship whatsoever” with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, are “one of the weirdest and most ostentatious traditions to spring up around the awards show.” When the tradition began in 2001, the Academy actually did gift the bags themselves, but stopped in 2006 due to tax reasons. (The bags are taxable, so when the IRS started to enforce that, they Academy pulled them; said a spokesperson at the time, “It seemed a little inappropriate to offer a gesture of thanks that then carried with it a [tax] obligation.”)
Once the Academy stopped, though, private companies took up the mantle. Why? Basically, it’s a marketing service: Per LA Weekly, companies pay a fee — about $4,000, typically — to have their product put in a gift bag, “with the hope that a celebrity will be photographed using or wearing” it. (There are fewer forms of advertising that are more effective than having a high-profile Someone use your product within full view of their adoring public.) The bags are then distributed to Oscar attendees according to some mysterious determination process — one company, Distinctive Assets, sends them not to the winners, but to the nominees for the best acting and supporting acting categories and best director nominee; these bags are called “Everyone Wins” bags — while the rest of us mere mortals either “ooooh” and “aaaah” over reports of their contents or turn into the personification of the White Guy Blinking meme.
Celebrities: They are not just like us.
Anyway, this year’s Distinctive Assets bag — which I can only assume is not actually a bag, as I cannot figure out how the massive list of items included would ever fit in a single, bag-shaped receptacle — contains six figures’ worth of goodies, according to the Independent. Many of the items are what you might call “on trend,” of course — and right now, “on trend” translates to “ostensibly about self-care” generally, and, in some cases, “infused with CBD or THC” more specifically. Of the 51 products, four are vacations, four have something to do with cannabis or cannabis-derived compounds, several are boozy and/or a sweet or treat, two are geared towards dental care (for what it’s worth, I do think taking care of your teeth counts as self-care), and at least two are one-on-one sessions with coaches of some sort. Here are some of the (somewhat absurd) highlights:
(Note, by the way, that all of the CBD- and THC-related items carry the usual disclaimer of not having been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and aren’t intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease or ailment. Efficacy not guaranteed, check your local laws if you're interested in any of them, etc.)
1
Coda Signature Cannabis-Infused Products
Coda Signature offers a variety of CBD- and THC-infused products in the form of edibles (chocolate, mainly), topicals, and concentrates. Given the description of the gift bag item, Oscar swag recipients will probably get a sampling covering the full spectrum.
2
CloSYS Dental Products
I kid you not, this line of dental products is described as “the spa kit for your mouth,” per the Independent. I may believe that caring for your oral health is a valuable form of self-care, but that seems like… a bit much. Maybe that’s just me, though.
3
An Annual VIP Membership To MOTA
With a name that stand for “Medicine Of The Angels,” it should surprise no one that MOTA is “LA’s first cannabis-friendly social club," according to the Independent.
4
Private Phobia Relief Sessions With Kalliope Barlis
A former pro golfer, Barlis now provides “education — not therapy” geared towards helping people overcome their phobias (although it’s probably worth noting that she’s not a psychologist or psychiatrist). Thank you for coming to her TED Talk.
5
A Week-Long Stay At The Golden Door Luxury Wellness Resort
Golden Door’s goal is for clients to “come experience a transformation of mind, body, and spirit during your stay and leave a different person” who is “energized excited to embrace your life ahead.” A week at Golden Door usually costs $9,650, not including tax or gratuities, although they also donate 100 percent of net profits “to further charitable causes that match our mission and objective of seeing lives changed.”
6
CBDRxSupreme Protocol By Renee Lynn
From esthetician Renee Lynn’s Age Intervention line, this… serum? Oil? Dietary supplement? I’m not totally sure which — claims to provide benefits for both your skin and your mood. Usually, a bottle is $110.
8
Three Days At A Luxury Wellness Retreat In Malibu
The swag bag item list doesn’t note which specific luxury wellness retreat in Malibu will be hosting recipients, but whichever it is, I’m sure it’s very expensive.
9
Lots Of Chocolate
Both vegan and gluten- and dairy-free Good Girl Chocolate and Chocolatines’ booze-infused Chocouture Collection are included in the bags.
10
Personal Training Sessions With Alexis Seletzky
A “celebrity personal trainer” (a phrase the meaning of which I will admit I have never been entirely clear —is the term meant to describe the celebrity clients these kinds of trainers work with? Or is the trainer themself mean to be viewed as a celebrity? Or both?), Seletzky is a “certified, former body builder, semi-pro cyclist and professional chef” and works out of West Hollywood. According to Business Insider India, 10 sessions with Seletzky usually cost $900.
11
A Week At Avaton Luxury Villas Resort In Halkidiki, Greece
The “beachfront escape” on the Athos Peninsula plays host to 16 villas, most of which have private pools and built-in sunbeds. A stay here can cost anywhere between $422 to more than a grand per night, depending on when you go and which suite you book.
12
Knotty Floss Dental Health Products
Apparently these are “knot” your ordinary dental products. They are fancy dental products. Or something.
13
High Beauty Cannabis Skincare Products
High Beauty’s products are “powered by cannabis sativa” and “formulated using only cannabis seed extracts.” There’s no resin, THC, or CBD in them, but the cannabis sativa claims to bring down inflammation and act as an antioxidant, among other things. The gift bags will include High Beauty’s High Five Facial Moisturizer and High Expectations Cannabis Facial Oil, which are usually $40 and $54 respectively.
14
A Stiff Drink
Several, actually. They come in the form of Southern Wicked Lemonade, which seems to be a sort of moonshine shandy kind of thing, and A. Junod absinthe.
15
A Luxury Small-Ship Adventure With International Expeditions
Not only that, but there’s a choice of destinations: Gift bag recipients might go to the Amazon, the Galapagos, Iceland, or Costa Rica and Panama.
Take a look at the full list of what’s in the 2019 Oscar swag bags here. In the meantime, I’ll be over in the corner trying to wrap my brain around what it must be like to live in a world where getting gifted with this kind of stuff on the regular is just business as usual.
Readers should note that the regulations and data surrounding marijuana, CBD, and other related products are still developing. As such, the information contained in this post should not be construed as medical or legal advice. Always consult with your doctor before trying any substance or supplement.
