Life
In moments of turmoil, when Earthly forces have become too difficult to navigate, many of us look to the heavens. We turn to the ancient wisdom of the stars for answers about love, life, and happiness. But let’s be honest, there’s one thing we all want to know, one question that defines us above all others: how likely am I to die in a horror movie, based on my astrological sign?
Look, you’ve seen a scary movie or two in your day. You’ve shaken your head at the cheerleader who giggles and wanders into a dark basement to make out with her boyfriend. You’ve angrily pounded your fist on the table when the drunk bro heads out into the woods at night to “take a leak”.
“Hey dummies!” you’ve shouted, “What are you doing having a bonfire party right now!? Sharon just went missing in that abandoned quarry! How about implementing some sort of buddy system or, I don’t know, having a party at someone’s house instead -- one with plenty of adult supervision, no alcohol, and at 10:00 p.m. on the dot everyone’s parents come to pick them up so nobody has to walk home alone in the dark.”
You’re frustrated, but also smugly satisfied that you, an intelligent, knowledgeable person who has seen all of the Saw movies and has been camping on TWO AND A HALF separate occasions, would not be lured into danger so quickly. But what if your chances of survival are out of your hands? What if your fate is determined not by how many emergency safety apps you have downloaded on your phone (I have three), but the position of the stars on the day you were born?
Here is a ranking of how likely you are to die in a horror movie based on your astrological sign, from most likely (you probably die in the first scene) to least (you have a chance of being that person who notices something in the last scene that sets the movie up for a sequel).
And to be on the safe side, nobody go wandering around woods by yourself at night, okay?
1
Aries
Sorry, Aries, but your bullheadedness puts you in situations where you are a prime target for a deranged killer slash murderous monster. You are competitive and adventurous, and also kind of aggressive and short-tempered, so you're always setting off on ill-advised adventures and/or walking away (alone!) to cool off. You burn just a little too hot to make it past the first ten minutes of the movie.
2
Sagittarius
Sags, your impatience and penchant for heroics lands you at number two. After your friend, Aries, gets slaughtered in the first scene, you're the one who's like "Let's set off and find them but also not tell anyone where we're going!" This comes from a good place. You're generous, adventurous, and independent, but maybe get the authorities involved and stop trying to be a hero all the time.
3
Leo
Leos, you're too confident for your own good. When people start disappearing you either don't notice because you've been too busy admiring yourself in the mirror (understandably _ you look good, Leo) or you think none of the danger applies to you, like you can somehow opt out of being killed through sheer self-esteem and willpower. That's not really how things work though, so 20 minutes into the movie you end up sitting in your car in an empty parking lot and things do NOT end well.
4
Scorpio
Scorpios are driven, passionate, and are well-known to be the horn dogs of the astrological world. Just because people are being mowed down left and right doesn't mean you're not going to get yours, Scorps, so you set off to find a secluded place to get intimate with your partner. This ends about as well as you would expect.
5
Taurus
Tauruses are generous and loyal, but also stubborn. So half an hour into the movie, when everyone else is realizing that things have taken a turn for the worst, the Taurus is all "I don't care that this house is clearly haunted by evil spirits, I'm going to stay here because I had to sell my record collection to make the downpayment on this place, and I'm not letting that go to waste!"
Spoiler alert: That choice doesn't end well for you.
6
Aquarius
Aquarius, you are too dreamy and pure for this cruel, cruel world. People don't always take you seriously because you march to the beat of your own hang drum, but halfway through the movie it becomes clear you've been predicting exactly what will happen all along, staring off into the distance and say things like "The spirits are angry." But by the time everyone realizes you're on to something, you're discovered by the creek and it's too late.
7
Cancer
Cancer is the mom of the group. You're caring and emotional, and unfortunately, maybe too emotional to make it to the end of a murderous rampage. At the beginning of the movie, you take care of everyone else, but the stress begins to wear on you and you start to spin out. Eventually you excuse yourself and lock yourself in a toilet stall to cry alone in peace. You hear the door open and, thinking it's your friend, sob that you just want to be alone for a while. By the time you realize it's not your friend, it's too late...
8
Pisces
Dreamy, sensitive Pisces are generous, sometimes so generous that they put other people's needs over their own. You would do anything for the people you love, and so when your friend asks you to go get some wood to build a fire, because the electricity in the house has gone out, you do it immediately. BUT WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT GOING INTO THE WOODS ALONE, DAMMIT.
9
Virgo
Virgos are analytical, reliable, and a little nerdy. You correctly assess the situation early on, and that gets you pretty far in the movie. Unfortunately, your people skills aren't what they could be, so some friction with the other members of the group leads you to set off on your own. "Screw these guys, I'm smarter than them!" you think. But there's safety in numbers, Virgo, and that abandoned cabin doesn't look too secure.
10
Gemini
While Gemini are occasionally accused of being two-faced, they are in fact one of the most adaptable signs. You can make the most out of any situation, but towards the end of the movie, you start to get a little cocky, a little less careful. When the killer finds you raiding the liquor cabinet (just because we're under siege doesn't mean we can't have some fun, right?) you plead with them, but to no avail.
11
Capricorn
Capricorns are ambitious, competitive, and will stop at nothing to get what they want. You're leader of the group, and have done your best to get your friends and family through the entirety of this movie safely (though you haven't done a great job because a lot of them are dead). Fifteen minutes before the end of the movie, you realize who the killer is and call the police to help, but you end up dying in the last, dramatic chase scene.
12
Libra
Congrats, Libra — you made it! You get overlooked sometimes because you're kind of quiet, but you're also fair and balanced, and always try to keep the peace. Your sweet, calm nature got you through to the end.
But as you leave the police station after having given your statement, you squint into the sunlight and see a tall figure in a dark cloak staring at you from across the street. A bus passes in front of it, and then it's gone, and you wonder to yourself if it's really over.
