Relationships
Blame it on a tarot card reading.
After a string of dates with a potential partner and after sleeping on it (and texting all your friends) you’re just not feeling the romantic feelings. While you could “Restrict” your date on IG, stop replying to their texts, and slowly fade into the background of their life, you’re trying to “be the bigger person” in your love life and send them a breakup text of sorts even though the records show you were never officially dating. But how do you tell them it’s over?
Sending over a super-serious breakup text or giving them a laundry list of reasons why it’s not happening seems worse than saying nothing at all. As dating and relationship coach Clara Artschwager says, being concise is the name of the game in this situation. The desire to over-explain or to pad your breakup text is rooting in people-pleasing.
“It comes to a place of wanting to explain or take the pain away from the other person, and that’s not our job or our responsibility,” Artschwager says. “It’s your responsibility, to be honest. It’s not your responsibility to manage their feelings.”
If you get the sense that they weren’t too invested either and you’re looking to clear the air in a light-hearted way, here are 15 funny breakups texts to send to someone you weren’t actually dating.
1
As my 14-year-old sister would say, we’re not really “vibing.”
It’s the honesty for me.
2
I’ve never been good at directions, but I don’t see this going anywhere.
I can’t tell east from west, but I can tell that I’m not into you.
3
I know we didn’t have sex, but let’s chalk this up to a one-night stand?
Hit it, quit it, go eat a breakfast sandwich with your friends.
4
I love Kacey Musgraves, but I’m not alright with a slow burn.
Legs longer than our time together.
5
So, my tarot card reader said we are not energetically aligned.
I can’t have that type of negativity around me.
6
You called A.1. “hot sauce”... and I need more spice in my love life.
Sorry, bland.
7
I saw you dump your warm beer in my Ficus last night. We’re done.
I wasn’t hoppy about it.
8
It’s been fun, but it hasn’t been *that* fun.
What can I say? Some things aren’t meant to be.
9
We have all the same TV streaming services, so there’s really nothing to gain here.
My ideal person loves their family, values nature, and has Discovery+.
10
You ruined my favorite sheets when you slept over with that warm Reese’s in your pocket.
If this stains I will scream.
11
I don’t want to ghost you, but I don’t want to go out again.
Do I get points for honesty?
12
When it was time to split the bill you said, “I’m baby.”
You’re not baby.
13
If this were Love Island, it would be time to recouple with someone else.
On paper, you’re not my type.
14
You made fun of me for doing “Mr. Brightside” at karaoke. I will not tolerate that kind of disrespect.
Love me at my Killers or don’t love me at all.
15
We *could* meet up for another overpriced dinner neither of us wants to be at or we could call it off and both spend that money elsewhere.
Lush face masks and Loverboy Hard Tea.
Experts
Clara Artschwager, dating and relationship coach
