The Expectation Versus The Reality Of Puberty

Hello, tweens and ex-tweens! Since the moment your mom gave you a book about "your changing body" in lieu of actually telling you how to pronounce "menstruation," you probably had a weird idea about what to expect from puberty. You might have put the book down and thought, Oh God. My body only exists to produce hair, smell, blood, and complex emotions now! But that's not true: It also exists to get into screaming matches with your mom about Manic Panic hair dye.

And that's not all. The Huffington Post's video "Honest Puberty: What It's REALLY Like to Become a Woman" nails some of the worst parts about this thing we all mostly hate. Not only will you grow body hair, you'll also face increasingly mounting pressure to yank all that body hair out with hot strips of wax! You'll develop breasts and hips, and society's view of unattainable standards will make you feel terrible about them, no matter what size they are! It's a reminder that no one enjoys this time of life — the period between when kids find their ideas and experiences dismissed for being little girls and when grown-ups find their ideas and experiences dismissed for being adult women. Take a look:

But even after seeing videos like this as a young girl, you probably still held onto myths about what your adolescence was going to be like. Here, we present what you thought puberty would be like — versus what actually happened.

EXPECTATION: You are old enough to look after children now!

You're 13 years old, dang it, so it's time to start your very own Baby-sitters Club.

REALITY: It's insane that anyone trusted you with their children.

Sure, you took that CPR class, but are you actually going to be able to perform it on a living human? No, you're not, because you're 13 and you think colored braces bands are the height of fashion. You can barely be trusted with the $20 the parents left you for getting pizza.

EXPECTATION: Men won't make it weird.

Sure, you're getting boobs, but you are still mentally a kid! Surely your mom's coworkers or dad's friends or whatever won't make weird comments about it!

REALITY: Men are pigs.

Guess why I had to look up "voluptuous" in the dictionary at 12?

EXPECTATION: You'll get a boyfriend or girlfriend!

And it will be exciting and romantic!

REALITY: Put the emphasis on the "boy" part, or, if you're queer, the "friend" part.

Emotionally, teenage boys are a few years behind girls. Have fun going to second base with a guy who just wants to show off how good he is at playing Bioshock. Warning: Don't fall into the trap of marrying this guy. You will both change a lot in your 20s.

You'll do better with teenage girls — if you can find one who's both into girls and into you. High schools are not exactly hotbeds of LGBTQ dating because the dating pool is smaller (not to mention that anguish of dating someone who's not out yet like Marissa Cooper). When you're older, your social group won't be limited to a few hundred other teenagers and you'll be able to date other girls you actually, you know, like like.

EXPECTATION: You'll develop effortless cool kid teenage style.

You'll be Claire Danes from My So-Called Life, or Cher from Clueless. You'll be that kind of teen.

REALITY: You will look back on your pictures from high school and cringe.

By their very nature, teenagers are the worst kinds of trend-whores. Everything you wear or do to your hair will look dated, inevitably. And any time you try to wear something more fashionable or daring, you'll be made fun of by your school's resident mean girl.

EXPECTATION: This is how your life is.

You have friends you only kind of like, a defined social rank, and a sense of loneliness that pervades the life of every teen. I guess that's how your life will be forever!

REALITY: It gets better.

Do you know how often popular girls in high school become cosplay nerds later in life, or how often outcasts become famous? The experiences you have in high school, good and bad, will stay with you forever — but the person you are then is not the person you will be. You'll get to know yourself a lot better when you're actually an adult — and even if that knowledge doesn't actually make you happier (hey, there are plenty of depressed adults), it will point you in the direction of happiness. So hang in there if your teenage years are miserable: all you have to do to get through it is survive, be a good person, and read lots of Kurt Vonnegut.

Images: justine-reyes/Flickr; Giphy (10)