The field has narrowed, the candidates have been selected, and the time is nearing for the next Republican primary debate, but there's one thing missing — the third GOP debate drinking game that will make you hate the political arena the next morning. If this Wednesday debate goes anything like the last two, alcohol may be needed. Lots of alcohol.
There's pretty much only two ways the debate can go. Either the Republicans will have taken a page out of the Democrats' book and decide to play nicely while on stage together, or it will be another fight of epic proportions. A lot of it comes down to the moderators and what types of questions the candidates will get asked. If CNBC decides to emulate CNN, then candidates might get pitted against each other again and encouraged to pile on the insults.
Let's not forget the elephant in the room either: Donald Trump, champion of one liners and master of the insult, will also be on stage. Trump is pretty much the only reason why people are watching the debates this year, and he knows it. But we have to thank him for blessing us with one gift: his campaign successfully negotiated the debate length down to two hours.
But whether it's incredibly boring or the wrestling match of the century, here's your guide for getting completely drunk on a Wednesday night.
Take A Drink If...
- Hillary Clinton's email scandal is mentioned.
- Trump bullies another candidate. Take two sips if he uses the word "loser."
- Someone says "Benghazi."
- Someone invokes Ronald Reagan.
- Bush reminds us that he is not his big brother, while managing to also compliment his presidency.
- Someone makes a bad joke in the opening statement and no one laughs. Take two sips if it's Marco Rubio.
Take A Shot If...
- Carly Fiorina goes on a Planned Parenthood rant. Take two shots if she mentions the brain harvesting video.
- Trump says something nice about a candidate/says something actually really sane that everyone agrees with.
- Ben Carson mentions the conjoined twins he separated.
- The Trump/Carson debate boycott comes up.
- Chris Christie goes Jersey on a candidate. Take two shots if that candidate is Rand Paul.
- Someone references Trump's wall across the Mexican border.
- Someone tries to outdo Carly Fiorina's "Lady Justice" closing statement.
Chug The Whole Drink If...
- They mention gun control.
- Trump's hair is targeted.
- A moderator brings up Black Lives Matter (because, honestly, that's very unlikely).
- The debate actually ends after two hours. Celebrate this miracle, then go to bed.
Please remember to drink responsibly, and never drink and vote. And be forewarned: this debate may cause you to have to call in late to work the next morning. When your boss asks you why, just blame democracy.