Once you reach a certain point in your life, there’s a very good chance that you have a sexual past, which, of course, is normal and natural, but in no way does your sexual past define you. You are not the culmination of the people you’ve slept with, although I think many of us can agree that those experiences definitely shaped us in one way or another. Our sexual past is also something that we are in no way obligated to share with anyone, not even our partner — unless of course you're carrying an STI that will somehow affect your partner. Anything that you’ve had that has cleared up, is something you can choose to share, but it’s not necessary. It’s your body, your past, and that's where the story ends.
However, while we may think that’s where the story ends, some partners think that’s where the story begins. Although I’d like to believe that the majority of partners couldn’t possibly give a damn about your past, there are those who give too much of a damn… and that's not OK. To reiterate, your sexual past does not, nor will it ever, define you, and anyone who thinks differently is probably not someone with whom you want to continue a relationship. Respect means being mindful of one's choices and decisions for their own body; not questioning it, and certainly not making them feel bad for it.
Here are 12 things your partner should never say about your sexual past.
1. “What’s Your Number?”
Although I realize we all know that our number is called “our" number for a reason, if a partner asks this question, it’s like they want to judge you for it. They don’t need to know; so they shouldn’t ask. It’s none of their damn business.
2. “You’ve Had Sex With A Lot Of People.”
In keeping with the number thing, if you choose to share this information with your partner, you need to be prepared for a response that you don’t want. If your number is what they regard as high and they’re not open to the fact that your past is a past, then they could lay this doozy on you and it’s definitely not OK.
3. “You Haven’t Had Sex With Enough People.”
On the flip side, if you’ve only had sex with a few people and your partner says this, that’s far from appropriate, too. In either case, judgment is being made in one direction or another, as if there's some "ideal" number of sex partners — which there isn't.
4. “Do You Regret Some Of The People You’ve Had Sex With?”
While most of us have that one-night stand that we’d prefer to forget, so what? It happens to so many of us, so why does it need to be discussed?
5. “Wow. Really?”
Anything that’s prefaced with a “wow,” in regards to your sexual past is basically the worst of the worst.
6. “Your Past Makes Me Uncomfortable.”
Although your partner gets points for honesty, really? I mean, REALLY?! If your partner is made uncomfortable by your sexual past, there’s no telling what else makes them uncomfortable — and it’s probably a lot of the awesome things in life like... cute bunnies, for example.
7. “Have You Ever Done _____ With A Past Partner?”
Your past is your past, and if you want to offer up things you’ve done in the past, then you can when you’re ready. Your partner doesn’t get to ask this, especially if it’s something they’re going to hold over your head: “But you had anal sex with your ex-boyfriend? What about me?”
8. “How Many People Have Shared This Bed With You?”
Mattresses last 10 years. Which means that some beds have seen a lot of action. So what? My thinking is as long as those sheets haven't been on that bed for 10 years straight, it doesn’t matter AT ALL.
9. “I Can’t Help But Judge You.”
Again, points for honesty, but still not cool. If your partner says this, then you might want to instruct them to look in the mirror and point that judgment in another direction, because the chances of them not having something in their life worthy of judgment is a stretch. I mean, we can technically judge them for judging you — if we want to get petty about it.
10. “How Many Times Have You Contracted An STI?”
Unless you have an STI that can somehow affect your partner, they don’t need to know. If you had gonorrhea eight years ago, it's cleared up, and everything has been smooth sailing ever since, then it’s all good. But, in general, this isn’t a question a partner should ask because it’s straight-up slut-shaming; it’s pretty much saying you’ve had sex with X number of people, so of course you’ve had an STI at some point.
11. “Am I Better Than Your Past Partners?”
Say what? Is this a competition? NO. I realize if you’re more experienced than your partner they might feel self-conscious, but come on — they have no right to ask.
12. "Do You Not Respect Yourself?"
In my mind, self-respect comes from owning your sexuality and your body. Anyone who questions your self-respect based on your sex life isn't worthy of your time.
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