Well, this is uncomfortable. You've just started seeing someone, or you've been seeing someone very, very casually, and, against your better judgment, it seems that your paths must intersect this Friday. You know, this Friday, inarguably the pinkest and most sentimental Friday of the year.
Maybe you're a really socially competent person and you simply don't feel obliged to bestow a Valentine's Day cornucopia upon your rather insignificant other. But, as likely as not, you're hardcore freaking out about finding the gift equivalent of the messy bun—makes you look great, but also like you don't give half a damn. It is doable, you know. These five startlingly last-minute gift ideas will help you keep it cheap and breezy with your hookup this Valentine's Day.
1. Any one of these tongue-in-cheek DIY valentines
Have you guys seen our awesome collection of snarky Valentine's cards? Or Andi Sharavsky's cute, clever DIY valentines? I'm a little obsessed. Markers, construction paper, a witticism like "BE MINE (JK, be your own autonomous person)," and boom, you're done. Note: this is more for someone you've just started dating than a longtime hookup.
2. A temporary tattoo of their name on your ass
Nothing says keeping it light like a little pre-nookie prank, amirite? OK, there is a chance that I am not right, and that your very new lover might not yet be acquainted to your (uh, my) sense of humor. Still, what better way to rapidly acquaint them by classily, temporarily inscribing their name on your butt? Urban Outfitters sells a set of $8 alphabet letters that aptly straddle the line between twee and gauche.
3. One single flower
If you're going for more cute-funny than funny-funny, then this is the option for you. What is more chill and adorable than presenting someone with a single lily when you see them, may I ask? Smile wide, maybe tack on a goofy, Game of Thrones-y phrase to make the levity clear (milady, my knight in shining et cetera and so forth), proffer your flora, and keep your life moving.
4. One single flower... made out of condoms
Look, if you're just trying to get some this Valentine's Day, it's best to be direct about it, right? I didn't even know it was possible to make roses out of condoms, but indeed, in these modern times, anything is possible — even slutty DIY. You'll need pipe cleaners, a sturdy green tape (strips of green duct tape work), and condoms in vaguely floral-hued packaging. Tip: I maybe wouldn't use these condoms after they've been all twisted and wrinkled and possibly punctured with pipe-cleaner wire? Just me, though.
5. A heart-shaped box of chocolates...with Star Wars packaging
Spotted in my hometown supermarket and on Amazon: some pret-ty nerdy Star Wars -themed heart-shaped chocolate boxes. Does your paramour like Star Wars? Great! Does your paramour dislike Star Wars? Say, "Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking, you strike me as a total Trekkie."
Just look at how relaxed and sly you are! Has anyone ever gifted so charming and ambiguous a gift? Indeed, they have not. Now, go French kiss away any residual awkwardness! It's Valentine's Day, it's the law.
Image: Getty Images