Let's Investigate What It's Like to Text with Kim

Wednesday. West Hollywood. Kim Kardashian and Ciara go shopping for baby stuff. Together. What do they buy? I don’t know. But I do know that the ladies look gorgeous. Of course they do. New mom Kardashian sports a black leather skirt, black leather boots, a white sleeveless top, and a gold necklace. Simple, but effective. Mom-to-be Ciara wears a white long-sleeved dress and gladiator sandals. Simple, but effective. I'm no fashion expert, but the following is an objectively true statement: They are absolute visions.

Could you imagine browsing the racks at a baby boutique, minding your own business, when those two suddenly walk in? Do you know what I’d do? I’d faint, no question. I’d literally faint. I’d grab at one of the clothing racks for support. Unfortunately, knowing my luck, it would be a portable rack, so it’d fall down to the ground with me. I’d be lying in a pile of fancy baby clothes, somewhat unconscious.

And while I was in faint-mode, I’d dream about what it’d be like being part of the Kardashian/Ciara friendship group. The dream would go a little something like this:

(At home, mindlessly watching reruns of Property Brothers. Receives a text from Kim Kardashian)

TEXT CONVO WITH KIM

KIM: “Hey, Kristie! C & I are going 2 go shop for bb things. Wld u wanna go?”KRISTIE: “DUH! Where?”KIM: “Bel Bambini in WeHo… OMG, don’t tell me that’s too far of a drive for you. Don’t b lame.”KRISTIE: “Stop giving me crap for living on the East-ish side of town. Anyway, I don’t mind the drive.”KIM: “Cool. Er, shld I say KEWL. (My mom insists we always spell it like that. LOL)”KRISTIE: “This might be dumb, but what shld I wear?”KIM: “I’m not a stylist anymore, LOL. Figure it out, u dork.”KRISTIE: “Shopping for baby things with 2 celebs is kinda uncharted territory for me. I rly don’t know where to begin.” KIM: “Look @ Kylie’s Tumblr for inspiration. That’s what I do.”KRISTIE: “K.”

(Looks at Kylie Jenner’s Tumblr.) Hm. Am I supposed to wear a fur coat? I don't have a fur coat. Ugh.

I can’t bother Kim again. Maybe Ciara will have advice?

TEXT CONVO WITH CIARA

KRISTIE: “Hey so I’m going w/ you & Kim. IDK what 2 wear.”CIARA: “YES! Wear whatever makes u feel awesome. That’s what I do. If you feel awesome, you’ll look awesome.”KRISTIE: “TBQH, you could wear a sleeping bag and you’d make it look awesome. Should I wear a sleeping bag?”CIARA: “LOL CWTCY.”KRISTIE: “Huh?”CIARA: “Can’t wait to see you!”KRISTIE: “Ha, same!”

Another dead end. I can’t blame her. I’m an adult. I should be able to handle dressing myself for an errand. But this isn’t just any errand. It’s an errand with KIM KARDASHIAN AND CIARA.

Who else can I ask for advice?

GROUP TEXT CONVO WITH BFFs

KRISTIE: “I’m supposed to go shopping with Ciara and Kim K.”FRIEND 1: “WHAT?!?! No you’re not. Shut up. Go on.”FRIEND 2: “In your mind or IRL.”KRISTIE: “IRL. For baby stuff.”FRIEND 1: “HAHAHAHAHA WTF? Why would they invite you?”FRIEND 2: “You know next to nothing about babies. This is the weirdest news of the week.”KRISTIE: “IDK why they invited me, but I’m not going to question it. We're friends now. BE JEALOUS. I’m very excited. But what do I wear?”FRIEND 2: “Clothes.”KRISTIE: “Okay, asshole. Please take this seriously. I’m going to be out in public with 2 of the most fashionable & beautiful women alive. I’m having a panic attack.”FRIEND 1: “Wear one of your old dance recital costumes. One of the glittery ones. Or maybe your pink prom dress. Steal the show in those paparazzi photos.”FRIEND 2: “The paparazzi will totes be there. Bring your Razor scooter and ride around the store.” KRISTIE: “Ugh you both the worst (JK love you)”

I suppose it’s up to me to figure this one out. Okay. OKAY! I can do this! (Does several jumping jacks to amp self up. Spends 45 minutes oscillating between closet and dresser. Selects a few articles of clothing and lays them on the bed.)

What did I come up with? An oversized chambray button-down, a cardigan covered in a ski lodge-themed print, a champagne-colored skirt suit, a shark tooth necklace, grey yoga pants, and running shoes.

Oh, god. What have I done? I’m in over my head. This is not going happen. I can’t dress for this.

GROUP TEXT CONVO WITH CIARA AND KIM

TEXT FROM KRISTE: “Hey, I forgot that I’m supposed to get my oil changed today. Gonna have to bail. Have fun! So bummed I’m missing it.”TEXT FROM CIARA: “GTOCB”TEXT FROM KRISTIE: “LOL I don’t know what that means.”TEXT FROM KIM: “Get that oil changed, baby. DUH.”TEXT FROM KRISTIE: “Ugh, you don’t even know how sad I am to miss out on this.”

(Sees pictures of Ciara and Kardashian shopping.) Oh, they look incredible. I'm so glad I didn't meet them in my champagne-colored skirt suit. That would've been very embarrassing.

(Someone throws water at my face.) I wake up from the dream. I'm asked to leave the store. Understandable.

Image: Getty Images