Bruce Jenner Isn't Allowed to Dance

As you may have heard, the new cast for Season 18 of Dancing With the Stars has been revealed and it's nothing short of perfection. DJ Tanner and Winnie Cooper? Meryl Davis vs. Charlie White?! Yes, please. Not everyone who was asked to be a part of the show was so keen on performing, though. Reportedly, Martha Stewart, Austin Mahone, Heather Morris, and Caroline Rhea all turned down the chance to dance on prime time. On another, stranger note, Bruce Jenner was also slated to join the eclectic cast but backed out in the eleventh hour because allegedly, Kris Jenner said so.

I, for one, would have loved to see the gold medalist, Skating With the Stars alum break it down on the ballroom floor, but alas, when you're hanging on Kris Jenner's tightly wound string, making recalibrating career decisions isn't so easy. No doubt, Kris Jenner runs the tightest of ships as the matriarch of the highly exposed and constantly working Kardashian clan, but does her reign still extend to estranged husband, Bruce? If we had to guess, we'd say most likely. Bruce and Kris have been partners for the better part of nearly two and a half decades, and we think that the raven haired mother of six hasn't yet let go.

Here are some of our theories behind why Bruce opted out of DWTS:

1. Kris threatened to oust him from the family Christmas card. (Again).

But let's be honest, that's always a real and credible threat in the Kardashian Klan. Mason and Penelope barely made the cut last year in Kris's high stakes holiday photo game.

2. Kris threatened to buy all of the model planes on the West Coast.

What the hell would Bruce even do in his spare time?!

3. Kris said she'd take down the lone picture of Bruce hanging in the house.

One, sad, lonely picture. Gone.

4. Kris exclaimed she'd ban all ponytail holders from the Kardashian-Jenner residences.

Cruel and calculated, Kris knows how to get to a long haired person's true weakness.

5. Kris promised she's revoke Bruce's rights to his garage refuge.

He is now allotted two square feet of grass in the back to do his business and ya know, sit.

Sorry, Bruce. We would have loved to have seen you dance. Maybe next year?