These Madlibs May Fix Your Love Life

Remember madlibs? Your friend reads you the parenthetical prompts, you suggest words to fill in the blanks and then, together, you read the hilarious and nonsensical stories you’ve created. It’s a hoot!

Madlibs just got real, ladies.

I always say that there’s nothing a strongly-worded letter won’t solve. Think about it! They're catalysts for communication. They hone your persuasive writing skills. Therapists suggest that you write them to yourself if you need catharsis. A strongly worded letter is appropriate for almost any situation in life and love. If you’re experiencing writer’s block, use these grown ass lady-themed madlibs templates to get those emotional juices flowing in a variety of situations.

YOU GOT THIS.

1. A Letter To: The one that cheated on you

Dear (name of cheating scumbag),

I haven't slept since (date you found out). You know what keeps running through my mind? You told me (number) times that I was the only person who appreciated (obscure television show, band, restaurant) as much as you. Instead of just honoring that, you had to share it with (name of person who is CLEARLY less desirable than you). You are a (animal or insect that’s widely regarded as disgusting). Who do you think you are?

(Your best friend) loved you, my (family member) loved you and I loved you! You are a (negative adjective), (negative adjective) coward. I never thought you’d stoop this low. Looking back, there were red flags. (Sentence detailing red flags… of which there must be at least one). If I’d know you’d pull this, you (expletive), I never would have spent so many hours (sex verb)ing you! The thought of that now is enough to make me want to rip out my reproductive organs and feed them to (your pet), who will probably make more use of them than I will this year. Thanks for that. Thanks for killing my desire to (sex verb).

Well you know what, you (expletive) (expletive)? Good luck finding someone else who will (something kind you often did). Grovel if you must. Send me (your favorite flowers), but don’t you speak to me ever again unless you have something (positive adjective) to say. Until then, you can (colloquial and less-than-classy insult).

Regretfully,

(your name)

2. A Letter To: The one who won’t take the hint

Dear (one who won’t take the hint),

I haven’t slept since (day you realized they weren’t taking the hint). You know what keeps running through my mind? Perhaps I gave you the wrong impression when I (something even remotely pleasant that this fool completely misconstrued). Let me make it clear, to avoid any further hurt feelings. (Their name), I am not interested in you. I do not want to (verb) with you. I do not want to (verb) with you. It will never happen. I don’t like the way you (verb, embarrassing) when you’re drunk. Maybe you’ll find someone someday who does but it ain’t me, babe. I tried to be (adjective), but that clearly hasn’t worked thus far.

So please, in the name of all that is (abstract positive concept), move on.

Maybe see you around,

(your name)

3. A Letter To: The home-wrecker

Dear (home-wrecker),

I haven’t slept since (day you found out that love leech helped to plot the destruction of your literal or figurative home). You know what keeps running through my mind? I’m not a (negative adjective) person, but your actions have brought out a side of me that I didn’t know existed. I don’t recognize this (negative adjective) side of me, but I kind of respect her!

I understand why you were drawn to (your former honey; the one they banged). (S/he) is (positive attribute) and (positive attribute). (S/he) probably told you that you were (positive attribute) and (positive attribute) and your poor insecure brain couldn’t see it for what it was. You are not the solution. You are a symptom of the problems that (former honey) and I had.

Here’s some advice, (home-wrecker’s name). Get a therapist. Here, I’ve taken the liberty of looking a few up for you: (link to list of local therapists). Sort yourself out, so you never trick yourself into thinking that your (positive physical attribute) and (positive physical attribute) are so magical that your allure alone can heal (your former honey)’s problems. You think you’re such a unicorn that you can insert yourself into a (type of relationship), play a role in its destruction and then live happily ever after? You have some work to do.

I say this with all the bile I can muster, (home-wrecker’s name). Grow some self-respect.

Good luck with your growth process. Don’t you ever involve me in it again.

(your name)

4. A Letter To: The one that got away

Dear (name of one that got away),

I haven't slept since (day they got away). You know what keeps running through my mind? I know it seems stupid, but I'm just not sure sharing a (delicious dessert) will ever be as sweet. As I'm writing this, I'm watching (show you watched together). Remember when we were eating at (restaurant) and talked about (character on the show) like we knew (gender pronoun of character)?

I know it sounds (negative adjective), but sometimes I imagine what our life together would have been like. I’d make you (breakfast item) every morning before work. You’d prepare my coffee; I always loved how well you made my coffee just how I like it: (how you take your coffee). We’d kiss goodbye and I’d go off to (workplace) just as you head out to be the best (their occupation) that I know.

But all of that is just a dream now, (name). I wish you a life full of (positive abstract noun). Perhaps someday we’ll meet again but until then, (Adele lyric).

With (emotion),

(your name)

Go forth and write, ladies.

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