The 6 Types of Guys Who Deserve a Sex Boycott

When Russia annexed Crimea, Ukrainian women (very creatively) took it upon themselves to orchestrate a sex boycott of Russian men as a means of protest. According to Global Voices:

The sex boycott already has its own line of t-shirts, all carrying the official logo: two hands clasped together, creating a shape that suggests an open vagina. There is also a slogan: “Don’t give it to a Russian!” followed by a verse from Ukrainian poet Taras Shevchenko’s 1838 poem “Kateryna”: “O lovely maidens, fall in love, but not with the Moskaly [the Russians].”

The new campaign, called “Don’t Give It To a Russian,” inspired me to develop a few sex embargoes of my own. Here are six groups of guys you probably shouldn't go home with.

1. Men’s Rights Activists

These people are the worst and shouldn’t get to have sex with anyone. The men’s rights movement purports that male disadvantage and oppression is a widespread problem in this country. Um, what? Let me refer you to every study ever, about the wage gap or terrible inheritance laws or just classic discrimination. Oh, and they’re filthy liars, claiming that men are victimized and attacked by women more than the reverse.

2. Global Warming Deniers

Clearly, science and facts have no bearing on their weird convictions, but maybe not getting laid might. In 2013, out of 10,885 peer-reviewed climate articles, only two rejected man-made global warming. Deny climate change? I’ll deny you sex.

3. Men With Dramatic Mustaches

I can’t anymore. I just can’t. I try to be tolerant, but I have no choice but to draw the line at weirdly thick, or curled, or thin mustaches. Who told you that was ok? Because I want to deny that person sex, too. I don’t care if you live in Williamsburg or Portland or a 1930’s ice cream parlor — your statement mustaches are creepy.

4. Hobby Lobby Executives

This one is a hybrid sex/craft boycott; we must refrain from both sleeping with Hobby Lobby executives and buying their yarn and scrapbooking accoutrement. The Affordable Health Act requires companies to provide free birth control coverage. Hobby Lobby, a nationwide craft chain that only just now entered my orbit of awareness, claims that because their stores were founded on biblical principles, they can’t offer their employees birth control. I’m taking my business and sex acts elsewhere.

5. Cast and Crew of Two and a Half Men

Enough is enough.

6. The 5th Circuit Court of Appeals

On Thursday, the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld the abortion laws passed by the Texas Legislature in July, which means that many facilities will no longer be able to perform abortions and thousands of Texas women will have to travel extremely long distances to receive them. The court ultimately decided that, as the Texas Tribune put it, “there isn’t enough evidence to suggest that the rules create an undue burden on the majority of Texas women attempting to access abortion.” I call bullshit. And I’m going to work tirelessly to make sure that everyone responsible for this decision will face an undue burden attempting to access sex.