The Hillary Clinton Anger Translator is Coming

Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele are some incredibly funny motherfuckers. (We love them here at Bustle. A lot.) Their brash sense of humor, coupled with a truly uncanny ability to skewering societal perceptions and stereotypes with brillant ease makes them truly intelligent funnyfolk of the highest order. We've seen it time and again with the Obama Anger Translators (there's one for Barack, Michelle, and even Malia, too) — and now the duo have announced they're bringing in one for Hillary Clinton, too.

According to Vulture, Peele has been previously quoted as saying he's "99 percent sure" that Clinton's no-holds-barred translator will make the cut, but don't expect her to just be a Contendra or Luther rip-off. "Whereas Michelle's translator Contendra felt like she owned a beauty salon, maybe somewhere on Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta, I think Hillary's translator would be more trailer bait." he explained. "We're thinking deep Arkansas good ol' gal who does not censor herself." Which is obviously totally awesome.

The way in which we crave a Hillary Clinton off-the-rails takedown of the GOP's utter bullshittery these days is something fierce. Even though we know the likelihood of it ever happening in real life is approximately zilch — she's a respectable politician, of course — the idea of it happening at all is one that feels satisfying regardless. So naturally, we've taken the liberty of drawing up a few anger translations ourselves. You know: to help the boys get started.

When Hillary Says...

"I do not have brain damage."

The Anger Translation Will Be...

"Ohhhh I see: you poor excuses for dehydrated corn kernels are scared, aren't ya? [Laughs] OK, OK that's good to know. I like it when you're scared — your made-up stories are just so cute and unsubstantiated."

When Hillary Says...

"Chelsea's pregnancy was in no way, shape, or form a political move on my part."

The Anger Translation Will Be...

"Would you ask this question to a grandpappy-to-be because I sure as sanhell don't think that you would!"

When Hillary Says...

"I will not be a part of a political slugfest on the backs of dead Americans. It's just plain wrong, and it's unworthy of our great country. Those who insist on politicizing the tragedy will have to do so without me."

The Anger Translation Will Be...

"Why do y'all insist on being ignorant, classless, graceless motherfuckers when it comes to Benghazi?! Oh, I know, because y'alls tiny lil peabrains can't help but think that if only a penis had been in power in that moment everything would've been gravy. Don't you know how fucking stupid that is?! As if having a pole instead of a hole between your legs means everything makes more sense. Child, PLEASE. The only thing more illogical than your ignorance is your goddamn misogyny!

I'd tell you to shove this Benghazi bullshit up your own ass but I know you'd like that too much. So why don't you sit and spin on this instead. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go meet with actual world leaders but y'all come back real soon now, y'here?!"

When Hillary Says...

"On a very personal, self-interested basis, you should have health insurance to protect yourself and your families from unpredictable costs that none of us know will be striking whenever,” she said. “You can't sit here today and tell me for sure you won't have a car accident, you won't have a slip or a fall, you won't have some kind of disease that you never thought you'd ever be stricken by."

The Anger Translation Will Be...

"I don't care HOW many times your grandpappy solved his medical woes with a shot of bourbon, a bit of Windex, and a prayer — this ain't My Big Fat Greek Wedding! Y'all need medical care, you understand? Why do y'all act like this is some kinda burden!? We're trying to give you access — good, affordable, life-saving access to doctors and medicine! How's that been working out for you under the old system? Oh, I'm sorry, what's that? You didn't have medical insurance before because of a preexisting condition? Because before we brought you more healthcare options the private companies could either charge you thousands upon thousands or just deny you coverage all the same? That sounds like a larking if ever I've heard one — NOT. How about next time, instead of just listening to and believing a bunch of in-the-pockets Republican'ts tellin' y'all Oooh Oooh Danger Will Robinson simply because that means they'll get less of a payday from their mega 1-percenter friends, you read the verdamn facts and make up your own feeble minds for chrissakes I MEAN JEEZ Y'ALL, don't be ignorant, shoot!"

When Hillary Says...

"Congressman, I deeply respect your passionate concern and views which you have championed and advocated for over the course of your public career. We obviously have a profound disagreement.

When I think about the suffering that I have seen of women around the world, I've been in hospitals in Brazil where half the women were enthusiastically and joyfully greeting new babies and the other half were fighting for their lives against botched abortions. I've been in African countries where 12 and 13 year old girls are bearing children. I have been in Asian countries where the denial of family planning consigns women to lives of oppression and hardship. So we have a very fundamental disagreement and it is my strongly held view that you are entitled to advocate, and everyone who agrees with you, should be free to do so anywhere in the world and so are we.

We happen to think that family planning is an important part of women's health and reproductive health includes access to abortion, that I believe should be safe, legal, and rare. I've spent a lot of my time trying to bring down the rate of abortions and it has been my experience that good family planning and good medical care brings down the rate of abortion. Keeping women and men in ignorance and denied the access to services actually increases the rate of abortion. During my time as First Lady I helped to create the campaign against teenage pregnancy. And while we were working to provide good information, access to contraception, and decision making that would enable young women to protect themselves and say 'No,' the rate of teen pregnancy went down. I'm sad to report that after an administration of eight years that undid so much of the good work, the rate of teenage pregnancy is going up. So we disagree and we are now an administration that will protect the rights of women including their rights to reproductive health care."

The Anger Translation Will Be...

"Get the FUCK OUT OF MY VAGINA. My ovaries, my eggs, my vagina, my womb: MY MOTHERFUCKING BUSINESS Y'ALL! Not yours! END OF CONVERSATION.

Besides don't try and play it like we don't ALL KNOW if men could get pregnant this wouldn't even be a discussion, you'd be signing people up for free abortions at the goddamn gas station so fuck you very much and goodbye!"