What Your Coffee Pick Says About Your Love Life

by Natalie Gontcharova

Bleary-eyed, you stare at the Starbucks menu at 7 a.m., vowing that you'll definitely try something new today instead of your usual order. But when your turn comes, you always end up getting the same type of brew. Why are we such creatures of habit? A survey of 1,000 coffee drinkers last year found a connection between participants' coffee of choice and personality traits, and the results weren't too surprising: Black coffee lovers are old-school and like to keep things simple, Frappuccino drinkers are trend-setters, and those who order their soy latte When Harry Met Sally –style are prone to controlling and obsessive tendencies. (They're also the most likely to lose their s**t when the barista butchers their name on the cup.)

Based on these personality traits, I figured out what your favorite caffeinated beverage says about your love life. Please feel free to take these very seriously.

Black Coffee

"Who needs a soy double-shot crap-uccino? And why on earth am I supposed to call a small coffee tall? That makes absolutely zero sense. Just give me a large coffee." You are a heart-breaker, possibly with a long string of one-night-stands behind you. But you have a secret vulnerable side.

Quad-Shot Espresso

Please, like you have time to date right now. You're clearly busy finishing up that epic novel/movie script/[insert creative project here] you've been working on for the last seven years.

Grande [insert esoteric roast here] with room for milk

There may be room for milk in your coffee, but there's no room for error in your life. This applies to dating: You have some very specific requirements.

Iced Coffee in the winter

You've been together for like 12 years, but you haven't tied the knot. Do you even sleep in the same bed? Also, you wear mittens.

Grande Skim Latte

After a long day of work, hot yoga, walking the dog, and restorative yoga, you go home to your significant other for some predictable couple sex, which you enjoy very, very much. Yes, yes you do.

Soy Latte

You're dating, maybe, six guys right now? At least one of them is 20 years older than you.


You'll try anything once.


Sorry kiddo, moving in with someone after dating for just under a month is always a bad idea. No, I don't care how "wildly in love" you are.

Cinnamon Dolce Latte

You are very complicated and deep but also secretly keep up with the Kardashians. Anyone you date better be a good listener.

Pumpkin Spice Latte

This drink says nothing about your love life. But it does say that you're "Gettin' my pumpkin spice onnn #starbucks #psl #pumpkinspicelatte #addicted."

Tall Green Tea

You're just not that interested in getting to know anyone new right now. You're working on yourself and making some major breakthroughs with your therapist.

Hot Chocolate

It's snowing, and you're on a sickeningly adorable first date. (But not adorable enough to go to Serendipity or Max Brenner.)

Sexagintuple Vanilla Bean Mocha Frappucchino

Well, you're certainly not a cheap date. At $54.75, this is the most expensive Starbucks drink ever.

Images: Unsplash (1, 2, 3) Fotolia (1, 2); ACIFH/Twitter