How to Be a College Student

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It’s the end of August, so you know what that means: back to school time. But hey, good news, incoming freshmen of the class of 2018: If you’ve been wondering exactly what you need to do in order to fully inhabit your newly acquired college student status, we’ve got just the thing. Helpfully titled “How to Be a College Student,” this new video from IFHT offers 31 easy steps on — you guessed it — how to be a college student. Sure, 31 steps may seem like an awful lot. If you look at them more like guidelines, though, you should find that they’re more than manageable.

It’s comedy, of course — but like all good comedy, it’s rooted in truth, and as a result, it’s also incredibly accurate. The good news is that some of the most frightening items on the list have relatively easy workarounds: These days, there are plenty of cheap (and sometimes even free) ways to get your text books; having creepy roommates might one day go the way of the dinosaur; and you’re about to discover the wonderful world of clothing that’s as comfortable as, yet looks far better than, sweatpants. Here, have a watch:

Funny how it all comes back to you, even when you’ve been out of school for years, isn’t it? Although I actually have a few things to add to the list. Don’t forget the following steps:

  • Step 1.5: Once you decide which kind of student to be, change your mind at least five times over the course of the next four years. It’s standard procedure.
  • Step 9, stage 7: Having your computer crash while you’re trying to fix your broken printer after pulling an all-nighter and losing the whole thing. Of course, the easiest way to work around the entirety of step 9 is to pace yourself throughout the semester so you don’t end up having to pull an all-nighter in the first place.
  • Step 16.5: Should you be solicited by a “talent scout,” exercise your right to tell him to leave you the hell alone if the attention is unwanted.
  • Step 20.5: Other pamphlet-avoiding tactics include the “Oh, I’m sorry, I just didn’t see you,” the “I’m late for a meeting, get out of my way!”, and the “I’m so into the music I am currently listening to that I fail to notice anything else around me” maneuvers.
  • Step 30, addendum: You will spend your entire life not knowing what you’re doing, so now is an excellent time to get used to it.

Have fun stormin’ the castle — er, campus!

Image: IFHT/YouTube