How to Plan a Wedding: The Honest Version

Did you just get engaged? Congratulations! No, really — a big, huge, hearty congratulations. So when’s the wedding? OMG, you guys — you’re going to have so. Much. Fun. Planning it, I mean. Planning a wedding together is the best bonding experience a couple can have. And hey, look! College Humor put together a handy ten-step guide for how to plan a wedding just for you! The best part? It’s the 100 percent honest version, which means you get a sneak peek all the hellish details the next 12 to 18 months hold for you. With some hard work, a few mason jars, and a little bit of luck, you’ll both still be a) alive and b) together at the end of it.

OK, in all seriousness, yes, congratulations if you got engaged — but I am so, so sorry for the fact that you will now have to actually plan your wedding. College Humor’s take on it is hilarious mostly because it’s spot-on; between fighting about things you don’t actually care about (you have never before bickered about a cummerbund and you never will again, but in the heat of the moment, it will be the most important thing in the history of the universe) and battling with ridiculous guest list conventions (why on earth is it a requirement to cross off the people you actually care about to make room for extended family members you haven’t seen or spoken to since you were three years old?), it’s a miracle most of us don’t make it to step four — resist the urge to elope — and just say, “Screw it! We’re going to Vegas!”

Here, take a watch:

You may, by the way, have heard of a “study” recently touting the claim that bigger weddings equal happier marriages, but guess what? It’s probably not all that scientific a study. Conducted by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, it’s full title was “Before 'I Do': What Do Premarital Experiences Have To Do With Marital Quality Among Today's Young Adults?”—and as such, you can probably imagine what sorts of worms that await inside a can with that particular label. Among them is this little gem: “Those who have had more romantic experiences — for example, more sexual or cohabiting partners — are less likely to forge a high-quality marriage than those with a less complex romantic history.” Or, as Jezebel’s Kelly Faircloth put it, “Ladies, I know you're keen to try out those Internet sex tips, but really you'll be happier in the long run if you enter the marriage bed with all the advance knowledge of a Victorian virgin. That way it's easier to lay back and think of England!”

The moral of the story? Bigger weddings aren’t always better, you’ll probably still go through a good deal of insanity even if you have a small wedding, and guests? You will probably find something to complain about, but keep your mouth shut.

Happy wedding planning!

Image: kronick_/Flickr