Just when I think businesses have run out of mythical creatures/occupations/innocent cartoon characters/inanimate objects to turn into absurdly skimpy Halloween costumes, I'm proven wrong yet again. Among its inventory of sexy cops, sexy Playboy bunnies, and sexy Playboy bunny cops, online costume vendor Delicious apparently includes a "PhD Darling Sexy Costume." What makes this particularly noteworthy, however, is that women with real doctorates are mocking the sexy PhD costume with amazingly sarcastic Amazon reviews, and it's hilarious.Leaving sarcastic Amazon reviews is practically a national pastime at this point, but these are particularly incisive. If I were grading 200 freshman undergraduate papers every week while also slaving away over a dissertation and various research projects, only to turn around and see my work diminished to a skintight polyester costume designed for the male gaze, I'd be pretty cranky too. It doesn't matter how commonplace sexy costumes are at this point. The fact is, a sexy PhD costume reduces the years of work women put into succeeding in the male-dominated world of academia to nothing more than sex appeal, and these women are rightfully pissed off. So what does this costume look like, you ask?
The costume is about as accurate as you'd expect from the sexy section of a website (it comes complete with a diploma and a graduation hat!). While I can appreciate the costume's "micro mini graduation robe" — I graduated high school and college in the deep South and let me tell you, full-size robes get mighty hot at 11 a.m. in June — somehow I don't recall ever seeing a doctoral candidate walking around in spandex during the ceremony.
But I only have a lowly bachelor's degree. What do I know? I'll let the women with real PhDs tell you what they think. Here are some of the costume's top reviews:
Sleeves are too short & have no stripes. Costume does not feature a hood. This is a "sexy BA" at best. -Alyssa Picard
I am thrilled that my years of hard work and dedication to intellectual and academic pursuits will not in any way prevent others from seeing that I am more than just a brain...If my peers and colleagues cannot properly objectify my hot little bod, I will have to think and write and teach and stuff - all of which will be judged on its academic merit! PUH-LEASE! I only got this Ph.D. when my Mrs. degree turned out to be harder to get than I thought it would be. Thanks, Delicious for truly understanding women and our needs! -Prof K
As a lady PhD student, let me say how much of a relief it is to see them accurately describe what we wear every day. I don't care if it isn't proper PPE, how else will we find husbands if not for our degree in sexy? Bravo to Delicious costumes for supporting women's education in letting us know that we're only as smart as our skirts are short. -ajohns1290
Thank you, thank you, Amazon! I'm another Lady PhD who was worried that my years of tireless devotion to the advancement of knowledge meant that I'd never do anything important or valuable with my life — like attract a man. After two days of slinking around campus in my "Delicious" new regalia, I can say with confidence that men of all ages and positions in the patriarchy — from panting freshmen boys to bleary-eyed professors emeriti — see me in a brand new light. And my giggling girlfriends in the faculty lounge agree: this makes my scholarship on feminist hermeneutics in digital humanities and information science look HOT.-Dr. NO
I wore this to my friend's Halloween party. Everything was going fine until some jerk asked if he could see my discrete variables and if my f-value was significant. Some guy and his girlfriend asked if I'm into three - way ANOVAS. I was beyond insulted. -Amber Chauncey
You can find these and many, many other equally mocking reviews on the costume's Amazon page. If you're feeling particularly sarcastic today, feel free to leave a review of your own.