Like many college students, I spent a lot of time at the intersection of "drunk" and "screaming Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs". You know exactly the feeling I'm talking about. It's a compulsion that can't be helped, something that happens to you outside of your conscious awareness. In fact, I dare you to take a shot and try not to scream along to, "We Are Never Getting Back Together." Let's put money on it. Mama wants to buy a new cheeseboard. Now that 1989 has come out, we have a whole new batch of songs that will still be rattling in the space between our ears when we wake up with soul-crushing hangovers and only a slight idea of what happened the night before. And when this inevitably happens, there are plenty of tried and true hangover cures that you can rely on to patch yourself up the next morning, but don't you wish you could do something more?
Never fear, fellow hungover friends. Just because your brain might possibly be attacking your skull and you have no idea where your left bra strap is doesn't mean that the Taylor Swift shenanigans have to end here! Here are a few Taylor Swift rewrites that are sure to guide you through your next Saturday morning:
1. "Come Up Again"
I've been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does
Is peacefully digest
But on a Wednesday, at a café
I watched it come up again
2. "Sleep It Off"
Cuz your stomach's gonna leak, leak, leak, leak, leak
And your brain is gonna squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze
I'm just gonna sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep
Sleep it off, sleep it off
3. "Drunk Story"
Romeo, save me, I’ve been feeling so alone
I was drinking and I think I lost my phone
Is this in my head, I don’t know what to think
He knelt to the ground, threw up at my feet and said
MARRY ME, Juliet, just kidding but I found your phone
I’m hungover and THAT’S all I really know
4. "Beer-less"
And I don’t know how we got drunk as this
You took a shot and dragged me head first
Beer-less
And I don’t know why but with you I drank
In a storm in my best dress
Beer-less
5. "We Are Never Ever Taking Shots Together (Like, Ever)"
I remember when we got drunk the first time
Saying this is it I’ve had enough, cuz like
There aren’t any hash browns and bacon
In the house to cure this ache (WHAT?)
6. "I Knew It Was Trouble"
I knew it was trouble when I drank it
So shame on me now
Threw up in places I’ve never been
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground
aGAPDKGd, GFsgagok, car bombs, car bombs car bombs
AOKGADFG, ofsgfgGGalfd, car bombs, car bombs car bombs
7. "Never Throw Up"
Oh, darling don’t you ever throw up, don’t you ever throw up
Just stay this sober
Oh, darling don’t you ever throw up, don’t you ever throw up
But if you gotta bend over
Please roll open a window, and aim for outside the car
Even though you’re wasted, just try to never throw up
8. "You Belong With Me:
She wears short skirts
I’m hungover
She’s cheer captain and
I’m still hungover
Dreaming bout the day when I wake up and find
That my sweatpants were here on the floor the whole time
9. "Can't Seem To Remember"
So this is me swallowing my bile
Standing in front of you saying, “I’m sorry for last night”
Cuz I can’t seem to remember all the time
Turns out freedom ain’t nothing but party fouls
Wishing I’d realized what I’d had before red wine
Cuz I can’t seem to remember all the time
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (9)
