Who's that girl? Who's that girl who broke a horse? It's Zooey Deschanel, currently facing a lawsuit for injuring a rented stallion named Literati. Allegedly Literati was rented by Zooey for a cool $13,000, and was returned, according to TMZ, "a shell of it's former self."
Oh, my God. This is either the darkest or most hilarious thing to ever happen ever. I mean, because of all people for this to happen to, it's button-cute hipster icon named Zooey.
Of course, it's no secret that I'm sincerely obsessed with Zooey, and I have no doubt that she'll make amends, if she's truly at fault. The suit insinuates that she'd be covering medical bills, but I could totally imagine her Disney Princess-ing up and nursing Literati back to health itself.
Truth be told, it's hard for me to process how the human baby doll with the big robin's egg–blue eyes could cause harm to any living creature in the first place. Although the implication is that she rode it too hard (ha) the details itself are scarce. I can guess, though, how she could have inadvertently caused damage by being her quirky, adorkable self. Here's a couple of possibilities of how it went down.
A Tragic Freak Knitting Accident
It all started fine, Zooey was riding Literati side-saddle while knitting another cardigan, as one does. All of a sudden, Literati did a fierce fence jump, and an unprepared Zooey accidentally stabbed him in the neck with one of her needles. Whoops.
Literati Tripped Over a Pink Polka Dot Ukelele
Zooey and M. Ward were having a jam sesh, and she left all her tambourines, toy pianos, and other non-instruments laying around. Literati was just trotting around, trying to be a horse, when a stray ukelele sent him face-planting.
Zooey Baked Gluten-Free Reese's Pieces Cookies for It, But Literati Was Allergic to Peanuts
The intent was good. She was very careful to acknowledge the possibility of a gluten allergy. Oddly enough, though, she forgot about Literati's severe peanut allergy. Thank God for EpiPens, right?
Literati Just Did Not Care for Nina Simone Records
It's ALL Zooey would play, and Literati vowed that if she put on "I Loves You, Porgy" one more time he would jump out the window. Sadly, it was not an empty threat.
Literati Was Starting Shit on the Set of New Girl
The horse was also not a big fan of the new opening credits, and during a tiff with Zooey about it, he ran off in a huff, knocking over cameras and lighting material on his way out.
A Dance Routine With Zooey and Joseph Gordon-Levitt Did Not Go as Planned
Maybe it was the hooves, but Literati just could not keep up with the tempo. God, now that video will NEVER go viral.
Literati Was Going to Wear the Same Floral Headpiece at the Golden Globes and a Fight Broke Out
Okay, I admit this one's a bit farfetched, because she rented the horse in 2013, that look is from 2014, so I meeeeean, yeah, too much of a stretch. You know what WOULD be possible though?
Literati Mis-Used Zooey's Ironic Glasses
First of all, ironic glasses are HER thing, but that's an entirely different issue. When Literati mistook her geek specs for his regular prescription brand, he was flailing around worse than Velma Dinkley after a few cocktails.
All the Above, and Every Time Zooey Relied on Siri for Help
"Literati is bleeding and...also remind me to go roller-skating tomorrow."
Images: Giphy (10)