Whether you love it or hate it, there’s no denying that Love Actually has become a modern holiday classic. The British dramedy about love and loss during the Christmas season has been tugging at heartstrings and annoying the crap out of ne’er do wells for over a decade. It’s also one of the few successful mega-cast films that’s not a total hodge podge of saccharine and bad writing. The thing about Love Actually, is it has a little something for everyone (who can stomach cheesy Christmas films) — There’s a bit of slapstick, tenderness, slice of life realness, heartache, steamy boom booms, and a kid wailing it on the drums for the heart of the one he loves — you know, stuff like that.
In Love Actually, we’re introduced to a wide range of love stories, from the endearing to the downright nauseating. You’d have to be a completely heartless Grinch to not weep a little for Liam Neeson’s character Daniel giving a eulogy for his deceased wife or totally ache for Laura Linney putting her brother’s needs before her own. You might also want to punch Mark in the face and melt down the necklace Harry gives to Mia and turn it into a throwing star. Like I said, there’s a little something from everyone.
Here are all of the stories and relationships on Love Actually ranked from the delightful to the completely horrid.
The Totally Not-Annoying Stories
Jamie & Aurelia
Congratulations you two, you’re the least-annoying couple in all of Love Actually land. Heck, I’d see a whole movie about your story because you know, Colin Firth.
Daniel & Sam
This father and son pair really make you reach for the Kleenex when it comes to the whole dead wife/mother thing (what is this, DISNEY?) But at least when it comes to the ooey-gooey love stuff, these two are charming, sweet, and totally self-aware. Bonus points for including Titanic and the most adorable kid in movies, pretty much ever.
John & Judy
Martin Freeman all nakie and earnest. WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?
The Kind of Annoying Stories
The Prime Minister & Natalie
It’s Hugh Grant being Hugh Grant, which can make you either love it or hate it. Thankfully Martine McCutcheon is totally relatable. She’s easy to root for.
Billy Mack & Joe
The gay jokes are a little much, but they’re not mean-spirited. This storyline just feels sort of “there” in the movie and the terrible Christmas song will get stuck in your head for days after watching.
The Completely Annoying Stories
Peter & Juliet & Mark
First of all, Peter and Juliet’s wedding surprise of “All You Need is Love,” is the reason why everyone had to start making their weddings YouTube spectacles SO THANKS FOR THAT, LOVE ACTUALLY. Secondly, Mark’s “romantic” caroling was just selfish. Lastly, the wedding footage was straight up creepy.
Sarah & Karl
Cruel. This was just the filmmakers deciding to ruin Christmas and love for everyone ever.
Karen & Harry & Mia
WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD DARE BREAK THE HEART OF EMMA THOMPSON? And for what Alan Rickman? FOR WHAT? The worst part is knowing Thompson’s character suffers in silence in a loveless marriage for the sake of her children. Why don’t you go hang out with Voldemort some more Alan Rickman, GAWD!
The Can’t Even
Colin Frissel & The Ladies of Wisconsin
I hate everything about this. Especially because it forsakes the state who blesses us with so much wonderful cheese. Thanks a lot Colin for not only making total sexist stereotypes about American women, but for ruining the fine state of Wisconsin’s name. Come on January Jones, you're better than this!