Sure, sequins and champagne are two of the best things life has to offer, but all the pressure of perfectly combining the two on New Year's Eve to create some voodoo-guarantee the next year is totally bad-ass? That's far from the best. John Oliver shares the viewpoint that New Year's Eve kinda sucks. Last Week Tonight is still on winter hiatus, but its host can't seem to stay away, posting occasional videos to the show's YouTube account. In this one, Oliver hits all the highlights of NYE's horrendous nature, including the trifecta of social discomfort: talking to people you might not immediately or ever tolerate, being both drunk and freezing, and forcibly staring at Ryan Seacrest's flawlessly tanned mug. This is all painfully true.
But! Oliver says there's actual hope: You can spend your December 31 sans $12 bottom-shelf vodka sodas and awkward small talk with people you'll probably never see again. You can have your champers, still, and drink it too—from a coffee mug in the comfort of your own home. You can escape most human interaction and festive obligations, Oliver says, through the power of deceit. Hear, hear! I like this man and would like to buy what he's selling, please!
"The best way to celebrate the spirit of New Year's Eve is by lying," Oliver says. "If you do this right, you'll be in bed New Year's Eve at 11:45 after watching all five Die Hard movies." We're listening.
Well, maybe sub out the Die Hard series with revisiting season two of Scandal and the plan sounds fairly ideal. Oliver doles out inarguable, ready-to-go excuses to free you from making even one appearance outside of your apartment New Year's Eve. Our favorite excuse? The cleanse. "Nobody wants to hear about your f-ing cleanse," he says. Especially the part about how the cleanse necessitates only sparkly wine and queso. Here's to new beginnings—ones that allow you to skip both FOMO and pants.