Emotionally Invasive Study Targets Women

Hey girl. You might feel dumpy on Mondays, but don't cry: There's a product to fix you right up.

A new, emotionally invasive study from "media planning agency PHD" reveals that women feel least attractive on Mondays (46 percent) and Sundays (39 percent), but feel their best on Thursdays (only 19 percent feel ugly! Shots, shots, shots!). I mean, they don't call it Temptation Thursday for nothing. Sorry, is that not a thing? Additionally, women feel least attractive between 5 AM and 7 AM (58 percent) and then again between 1 AM and 5 AM (42 percent). Beauty sleep? The bedtime hours are merely a quicksand of self-loathing for the fairer sex.

The study also arrived, somehow, at the ground-breaking realization that women feel less attractive when they're on their periods, after a long cry, at the end of a long day, and when they're sick, stressed, sweaty, or just waking up.

If I may, a personal note: When I read that, I was blown away. I began crying with relief (and immediately felt ugly), as I realized that I wasn't the only one who felt unattractive whilst suffering from the flu! Then I swooned onto a chaise lounge. And I looked great doing it.

But seriously, this study is incredibly unsurprising. If you profiled men, the results would be incredibly similar. Everyone hates Mondays/loves Thursdays/looks sort of puffy at 5 AM. Second of all, could beauty marketers be any more invasive? (Probably. I don't want to know how.) Although the press release uses fairly positive language ("Monday becomes the day to encourage the beauty product consumer to get going and feel beautiful again!"), it's clearly designed to do one thing and one thing only: target you when you feel terrible, or during "prime vulnerability moments," as they say.

This is not a "problem" that needs "fixing." People feel unattractive when they're sick, tired, stressed. That's just human nature, we all get over it, and we don't — I repeat, don't — need a product to fix that.

There is one small positive takeaway from the study, if you're curious: Women's perceptions of their own attractiveness are, shocker, unrelated to their actual physical state (like having a bad hair or skin day). Perceptions are more linked to external stressors and internal feelings. The point is, just because you feel ugly doesn't mean you look ugly at all. It's quite possibly all in your head.

(And remember, next time you feel particularly ugly, here are 5 Beauty Apps to Make Your Day a Little Prettier. No, sorry! That's not how I meant to conclude at all! Damn you, inner marketing bot!)