I have to assume that, once upon a time, pants were originally crafted with a practical use in mind. They cover your butt-and-leg skin, protecting it from external dangers snow, wind, rain, and germy subway seats. They offer an extra layer of safety for the extra important body parts (aka, the "crotch area"). They even went through a few interesting (albeit confusing) iterations changes per the fickle force of fashion. But all of this ignores one overarching truth we cannot escape: PANTS ARE PRISONS. Say it with me: "Pants are prisons!" Guys, we don't have to continue conforming to this suffocating social norm. Legs are meant to frolic freely! Confining them in fabric tubes of solitude, hidden shamefully away in dark denim is no way to live your life. They deserve better. You deserve better.
It is a well-known fact that not wearing pants will always and forever be infinitely preferable to wearing pants of any kind in any context. Sure, some types of more acceptable (i.e., stretchy as hell) pant options exist in our world. And increasingly, leggings seem to pass as an acceptable pant alternative (at least, according to most people). There's been some forward progression in the rotten pants universe, which is worthy of at least a noble nod. (Young fashion designers: Consider this my official unofficial challenge for you to change this and thus, CHANGE THE WORLD FOR THE BETTER.) However, we have a long way to go, gang. In the interim, I can think of 61 typically annoying things that, while admittedly not the best things on earth, are still better than wearing pants, along with my earnest attempts to find the silver linings with each of them. (If you tell me I don't have to wear pants anymore, then yes, I will find a way to love slow internet and overpriced beers.)
Really tall socks that aren't quite knee-socks
An underrepresented footwear option, IMO.
When someone you just started dating and really like ghosts on you
You barely noticed, even! Haha, kinda.
When someone you hate subtweets you
Again! Who? What? I can't hear the unfollows through the immense joy of currently existing pantless.
Train delays
More time to catch up on your book and not think about the meeting you're missing!
$14 bottled domestic beers
Budweiser didn't become a powerhouse on accident and you're just doing your part to keep it king.
An Instagram post that stays under 10 likes
It kinda validates how much more alt your art is. Like this pantless performance piece you're doing right now.
Trucker hats
Block the pesky sun while nodding to the blue collar heroes of our society.
Most fedoras
Not ALL fedoras are better than pants—I'm not completely insane over here.
When people refer to as a flavor by the color
Nothing should taste "like red." Yet, this malapropism is less annoying than fabric confining one's leg meat.
Accidentally choosing the slowest line at IKEA
It grants you the valuable excuse to peruse the crates and crates of scrubby brushes and lint-rollers. You might have forgotten otherwise!
IKEA in general
Basically heaven on Earth compared to pants.
Waterbeds
Chillness in the form of a sleeping platform.
Conspiracy theories
What additional lies are NASA feeding us? Discuss.
The Baja Men
They had the courage to ask, again and again. Plus, fashion-forward hairstyles.
When tall people casually touch the ceiling
"Yep, still here." Thank you, brave tall person. I'm never sure otherwise.
Katherine Heigl's career
From Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital to boning Seth Rogen back to...(Am I the only person left on Planet Earth who remembers the Disney masterpiece Wish Upon A Star?)
Sending a text to the wrong person
Surprise is the essence of life, yes? Drink up!
Double-tapping by mistake
Keep drinking!!
Leaving wet towels on the floor
Mildew > pants
Nail-clipping in public
It's a complex combination of syncopated rhythm and repetition that frankly deserves more practice in the public sphere. Especially confined spaces like subway cars or doctors' office waiting rooms.
Doctors' office waiting rooms
High-five, peers!
PDA as a whole
Cool job finding love and advertising it, guys. Keep up the good work! (They probably don't like pants, either.)
Grandparents on Facebook
FINALLY.
An impossible-to-find hair in your mouth
You look sooo cute trying to grab it!
Habitual interrupters
They have got thoughts to share. Really, that kind of urgency is a little admirable.
Chik-Fil-A cravings on a Sunday
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Come Monday, you're gonna CRUSH those waffle fries!
The security line at airports
A welcome opportunity to check out everyone's secret sock game. See how many pairs of almost-knee-socks you can spot!
The middle seat on an airplane
Cuddling!
Chatty airplane neighbors
New friends!
People who remove their shoes in public
Audacious, au natural spirits like these deserve a round of applause. No shoes is halfway to no pants.
Voicemail
One minute of legwork slash remembering your passcode instead of the typical, lightning-fast text is kinda like collecting snail mail. Soooo adorbs.
Too crunchy fries
Too much texture: Still better than too much pants!
Too floppy fries
No texture: Still better than yes pants!
Soggy nachos
No chewing! What a relaxing treat!
Going to the gym
Flattering light PLUS all the people you never knew you desperately wanted to force friendship with. Bonus: sweat (yours and that of strangers). Stretchy pants are EXPECTED here.
People who want to talk with you about Infinite Jest at a party
This is the perfect setting to dissect subsidized time. You didn't want another beer anyway!
Online dating
Flirty.
All kinds of dating
Easy.
Slow internet
Here's a rare moment in which we may reflect on why we have so many tabs open and question the importance of maintaining them.
No wifi
Idea: talk to other humans! (I would almost rather wear pants than do this, actually.)
Tribal tattoos
Worldly!
Arriving first to a party
Perfect snack-surveying time, TBH.
Seasonal allergies
It's the mark of change in the air! And pollen in your lungs! Same thing!
Cleanses
Being a little hungry all the time definitely makes you a more in-demand person to spend time with and energy on.
Stretched-out elastic in bras
For a more relaxed fit!
People who want to Instagram their yoga challenges
More hashtags!!!
Resting Bitch Face
It helps filter out those who are unworthy.
Having the "Define The Relationship" talk over text
It's actually wise to have all of this in text form so you can revisit things you and they said and analyze, analyze, analyze!
Chewing sounds
In some cultures, it's quite the compliment.
Vanity plates
"HOTBRO1" knows what he wants in life. Oh, to be a hot bro. You do you, hot bro.
When house guests decide to extend their stay without asking you first
Extra bonus sleepovers!!
When people say you "look tired"
It's a sign of concern. Thanks, bb! I have been stressed.
Loose glitter
Party everywhere for all time! That serene look is that of a man who knows the freedom of pantslessness.
Cleaning the bathtub
Learning about new kinds of mold is still learning. The more you know!
Finding the toilet seat up
Haha! Oh, BOYS. ::simultaneously flips hair and seat back down::
Complicated handshakes
The day you get it will be one worth celebrating. Let's practice!
Non-stick pans that lie
Scrubbing dishes is way zen, really! I would have never planned this, so it's certainly a surprise gift. Namaste, Teflon.
Thinking you have leftover pizza at home but learning your roommate ate it
Glad you enjoyed, girl! (As long as you weren't wearing pants while digging in.)
Empty pizza boxes in the fridge
I like your modern art tackling the colloquial term "chill," girl!
Endorse me so I know it's real.
Images: Fotolia; GoToVan/Flickr; Giphy (22)
