March is here, which means the number of drunken hot bods bumping up against each other on dreamy beaches is about to make a shocking spike. Why? Because it's officially spring break, y'all (or Spraaaaang Break, depending on who you ask). When we were younger, spring break was just a really entertaining week of MTV programming. It was a sexy beach party that took place in a distant land and got shared on the small screen. But now we're older, we have money to spend, and MTV isn't at all what it used to be. So instead of cringing while seemingly well-adjusted humans willingly enter degrading contests in order to win a single free t-shirt on TV, we can be those silly drunks IRL.
But here's the rub: because we've grown up with a specific picture of what this week-long trip should look like, our standards are sky high, and we are bound to be disappointed by how it will actually go down. Our expectations for spring break will not align with reality (unless some seriously crazy sh** goes down), and we'll have fewer awesome photos to 'Gram than we planned. Here's how all of your typical spring break expectations live up to reality. Sorry, guys.
1. The flight
Expectation: The party begins once you leave work the day before your trip, so by the time you make it to the airport and get all checked in, you are fired the f*** up. The flight will include only people your age who are looking to get drunk in the air and dance in the aisles.
Reality: Your seat neighbor is a cranky grandma with her screeching grandchild. Oh, and the guy behind you just sneezed all over the back of your head.
2. The hotel
Expectation: The room will look clean and welcoming when you arrive, because even though you got a killer discount, the pictures made it look decent. And you were promised a full breakfast buffet every morning.
Reality: It looks like the housekeeper forgot to flush the toilet. The sheets look neat, but... is that a hair on the pillow? Ick. And the complimentary breakfast buffet is an array of stale muffins and apples.
3. The booze
Expectation: You just assume that because you're in a spring break state of mind, your body will follow suit and adapt to the buckets of booze you begin swallowing. You're not normally into well vodka or light beer, but hey, it's spring break and you're down for anything and everything.
Reality: Oh god. Is this really what light beer tastes like? Why do all those sports fans always look so happy in commercials? This tastes like urine.Then, after switching to cheap liquor mixed with sugary juice, OK, I need a break. My tongue feels like it's wearing a wool sock and my head feels like it weighs 200 pounds.
4. The parties
Expectation: Rooms packed to the gills. A DJ who plays all of your fave songs, including a few mixes you've never heard before and instantly love. Red cups everywhere. Hot people everywhere. You and your besties laughing and raging until the world ends.
Reality: Rooms packed to the gills, and it feels like it's 600 degrees. A DJ who plays a couple of songs you recognize, but mostly songs that sound like they were sung by a robot pop star past her prime. Red cups everywhere. A couple hot people in attendance, but mostly handsy strangers you would never want to meet. You and your besties dodging douchebags all night.
5. The hookups
Expectation: Spring break is about freedom and fun, and the hookups should be the same. As long as you're being safe, anything goes!
Reality: Just because you're on vacation doesn't mean you don't have standards, and that dude with the face tattoo who keeps asking where you're from is not. happening.
6. The hangovers
Expectation: Please. You've recovered from hangovers plenty of times. You just need to power through. You can handle this. NBD.
Reality: Well, you better get your affairs in order from the bathroom of your tropical paradise hotel, because you are going to die. Right here. Still wearing your bikini from yesterday.
7. The level of gross
Expectation: Yes, it's gonna get dirty, but that's what spring break is all about. Parties are hot and messy, and you plan to be the same.
Reality: Well, this is next-level ew. Just get OK with the fact that you're coming home with a viral infection of some sort. Wear it like a badge of honor because, SPRAANG BREAK, Y'ALL.
Images: Muse Productions; Giphy (14)