7 Things You Don't Miss About Spring Break

C’mon, admit it. Being on spring break as a college student was great and all, but you're pretty happy you don't have to do it anymore. Sure, you have all of these fond memories and bragging rights about things you’re glad you did, but thank goodness that period of your life is over. For example, I’m proud to say that my friends and I accepted a dare to skinny dip in the chilly ocean water in the wee morning hours, barely escaping jellyfish stings in private parts, and swimming smoothly back to shore with one arm strokes (so as not to spill our drinks in the other hand, of course). But, do I want to trade in the comfort of my life now as an adult with both feet planted firmly on land for a sleep-deprived stint on MTV’s notorious Cancun special? Hell to the no. But, I’m happy I can say that I did.

Sigh. If only my younger, college-spring-break-self could read this now. I imagine her in my favorite cherry printed bikini, frayed denim mini skirt and straw cowboy hat disappointed to find out that I (we) did in fact turn into our mother: responsible, sensible, and an aficionado for all things peaceful and quiet, telling tales of our youthful debauchery over martinis on the patio...

I know you're on the same page (even if you aren't quite ready to admit it — I get it.) Here are seven things I doubt you miss about spring break now that you’re a grown ass woman.

1. Therapy sessions in the bathroom line

You've got to pee, and the only thing standing in your way of the stall is a heartbroken college girl sobbing into a plastic red cup. You know that the only way you're going to cut the line is if you step in as her faux friend and give her the you-are-so-much-better-than-him-girrrl pep talk before slipping into the bathroom in front of her.

Now, as an adult, you're just glad those convos occur in the comfort of your own home with an actual friend you're more than happy to help any day and at any time. ( Well, between Monday and Friday, no later than 7 p.m., or however long it takes you to get home. Then, on Saturday and Sundays, you're happy to do counseling over brunch from noon to 3 p.m. as long as there are bottomless mimosa specials.)

2. Scheduling around your hangover

Aren't you happy your spring break as an adult doesn't have to revolve around your vom schedule? You're doing less binge-drinking, probably eating less greasy/queasy food as your hangover antidote, and your friends aren't crowding up your hotel bathroom (because as adults you all can afford your own rooms) taking turns being sick too. This means, you don't have to worry about stepping on vom or scheduling a down day because you know you'll overdo it on the party barge the night before.

Now, you've just got to be on the lookout for food poisoning. Hey, you'll take it.

3. Rounding up your drunk friends

What's worse than coordinating the schedules of the entire group on spring break? Coordinating a group of drunk people's schedules on spring break. Now when you ask the question, "where does everyone want to go to dinner tonight?" you don't get responses like, "But, I wanna jump in thah fountain — so whut about ociffers, let the stuuupid cops arrest me." Those days are behind you. Thank. God.

4. Ridiculous sleep-deprivation

Isn't it nice as an adult to be able to sleep on the beach, nap in peace, or go to sleep a bit early just so that you can wake up early to run on the beach — without having to suffer the consequences?

5. Caring about tan lines

Back then, you worried about getting an even tan and would plan your outfits out a week ahead to make sure you didn't have any weird straps or necklines. Now, you slather on the sunscreen to avoid a tan, mainly to counter the sun damage you brought on yourself during your college spring break.

6. Painfully grooming yourself

Waxing, shaving, tweezing — whatever — is a necessary evil for most women. But you don't go overboard with the upkeep like you used to in your younger days. Who knew a girl who used to shave her sideburns? How many of you used to shave your arms even? Yeah, ain't nobody got time fah that in adulthood.

7. Prowling, scoping, and scouting while dancing

Now when you go on vacation, it's usually to spend time with your girlfriends and take a break from the men in your life. But back then, you went on spring break with your girlfriends with the main goal being to meet hot guys while standing in a circle, dancing, but really scouring the scene for prey.

That's what makes spring break as an adult an actual break. Finally, you can relax, whereas the word "relax" during spring break in college was a swear word you wouldn't dare murmur.

Good times... and good riddance wouldn't you say? I'm tired just thinking of re-living those days. But, weren't we so cool?

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