Many people are Irish. Many people are not Irish at all. On St. Patrick's Day, however, everyone and their hounds are Irish, because it's a qualifier for flowing booze, debauchery, and ass-pinching. The true meaning of the holiday has been long-lost, as is the case with most modern festivities, and March 17th has become an excuse to get buck wild in a grinch costume, a green lei, or any sort of foliage, really. (St. Patrick, for the record, is the patron saint of Ireland — the guy who brought all that Christianity to the nation. He stuck up for people who were mistreated and gave quite a few Irish hope when there was none to be found elsewhere. But on to more important matters.)
The day's possibilities are endless, and it's your job to take advantage of them. Traditional celebrations include the patronage of an Irish bar, where no one is up to any good and the Jameson will be flowing. Other options would be to build leprechaun traps in hopes of rounding up one of the little guys, or at the very least, gleaning a few cold coins (oh, the simple days). Others will choose to partake of some delicious fish and chips, which for some reason, has become a thing despite the distinctly non-Irish origin of the meal.
Needless to say, you have a busy day ahead of you. You have some shots to down, as well as a whole lot of trouble to get into. This day absolutely begs for it — ridiculousness has almost become synonymous with our favorite day in March. So let's talk about a few of the silliest thing that tend to happen. Then, let's revel in the green and gold.
1. Suddenly, everyone is Irish.
Welcome to the many-faceted world of the most horrifying accent attempts known to man.
2. Your entire body ends up green. Your. Entire. Body.
You'll wake up the next day wondering how paint got in every tiny nook and crevice.
3. The only guys who hit on you all night are dressed as mythical beings.
Believe it or not, tiny green men aren't the most common of fetishes.
4. You get pinched for failing to conform.
You'll contemplate the fact that this holiday is yet another in which the world is knocking you down for being different. FKA twigs blasts in the background.
5. You realize you've never actually seen a four leaf clover. Calamity ensues.
Do they even exist? Really though.
6. Your nephew doesn't find a tiny creature in his leprechaun trap, but he does find See's Candies. You instantly want some.
A force you can't fight leads you straight to the nearest Westfield.
7. For approximately 24 hours, the world transforms into one giant green frat party you can't escape.
The aliens laugh and point from afar.