The thing about a sexual dry spell is that no one plans for it. Even the most prepared among us doesn't have a strategy in place for this, the most inevitable and yet least anticipated aspect of single life. One second, you're bopping along, doing it with whoever, whenever; the next, you wake up and realize that, even though you think of yourself as super smooth, or kinda funny, or a person with really low standards, you've somehow gone four, six, or twelve months without sex, and suddenly...the world looks different.
By which I mean: everything you see is charged with a strange combination of rage and free-floating sensuality when you're deep in a dry spell. Was that person on the bus coming on to you or mocking your forever alone-ness when they patted the empty seat next to them, and told you to sit down? Should you be angry or horny? Should you go home and rub one out, or track them down, tell them off, and then go home and rub one out? Questions like these are what makes dry spell life such a unique challenge and, frankly, an opportunity for light spiritual growth.
And yet, dry spell life isn't all bad. Your apartment has never been cleaner. You're all caught up on your TV. And everyone at work is suddenly impressed by how you stay late every night and volunteer to do extra work on every project. Enjoy it while you can, champ, because the second you find someone to bang, this whole house of celibate cards collapses, and you're just another regular schmoe who has sex sometimes.
But until then, enjoy your status, and the unique perspective it gives you on life — especially on these nine things that means something totally different when you're, you know, thirsty (and there isn't a drop of water for miles).
Actual Reality: A friendly-ish stranger who generally remembers whether you said "soy" or "skim" in exchange for money.
Dry Spell Reality: Your soul mate! I mean, they'd totally be your soul mate if only you could get them to talk to you about anything besides the day's special arabica varieties. But you're, like, totally almost there. You just need a few more days. Do you think they'd want to get in on your Taylor Swift tickets? I mean, as friends. Wait, no, I don't. Wait, what do I mean?
Actual Reality: A dating app that's...you know, fine.
Dry Spell Reality: A Seamless for strangers' genitals...one that you never seem to be able to properly place an order on.
Actual Reality: A fun hobby that results in cute throw pillows, fun table centerpieces, and stray pieces of glitter stuck to your belongings.
Dry Spell Reality: A crucial outlet into which to pour all of your pent-up sexual energy. Oh, you think you've seen enough glitter? You don't even know what enough glitter looks like, my friend. My glue gun is my life partner now. Oh, DON'T YOU START JUDGING ME.
Happy Couples On The Street
Actual Reality: Strangers whose lives and apparent happiness have nothing to do with you. Good for them!
Dry Spell: Strangers who exist ONLY TO CRUSH YOUR SOOOOOUUUUUUL.
Every Other Adult Human You See On The Way To Work
Actual Reality: Hard-working people, all on their way to work to make our great American economy happen!
Dry Spell Reality: Hard-working people, all with surprisingly well-defined calves. They couldn't all have been winking at me suggestively, right? I mean, that's what it felt like on the way to work this morning, but I've been wrong about a lot of stuff lately.
Some Random Hottie Who Followed You On Instagram
Actual Reality: It's nice that someone that attractive also has the good taste to appreciate my stunningly well-composed photos of breakfast burritos and shoes.
Dry Spell Reality: Soooooo, should I be setting up our wedding registry, or what? If you don't want me to set up a wedding registry, tell me. If you do want me to set up a wedding registry and also get extremely personal with your beach vacation photos for the next two hours, do nothing.
Actual Reality: A delicious treat that breaks up your usual eating routine.
Dry Spell Reality: I thought that today, instead of eating some Tostitos while we watched TV, we could eat some of this raisin-almond-mocha banana bread that I just baked. Do you like it? Good, because I baked 19 more loaves last night. Why? No reason. Just hangin' out!
Flirting At A Party
Actual Reality: A totally normal thing that people do successfully all the time.
Dry Spell Reality: What do I do? Am I supposed to look into their eyes? Oh, no, I looked too long! Now I seem super creepy! Look away from their eyes! Wait, no, don't look there! Agh, look back into their eyes! No, it's even weirder now! Uh, talk about Game of Thrones! Even though you've never seen Game of Thrones! Yes, yes, everyone likes Game of Thrones! I know this shouldn't be so weird, I just haven't really done this in a while.... Oh my God, I said stop staring at that! Are you trying to get us kicked out of this party, Vagina? I can't take you anywhere! And yet, technically, I must take you everywhere! It is life's cruelest irony!
Your Ex's Facebook Posts Celebrating A "Three Month Anniversary" With A New Girlfriend
Actual Reality: Ugh, whatever, forget them. That relationship sucked anyway.
Dry Spell Reality: I am calm, I am strong, I am happy. I am calm, I am strong, I am happy. I am calm, I am strong, I am happy. I am calm, I am strong, I am not even tempted to mail dog poop in a box to my ex with a card that says "Best Wishes On Your Anniversary, Buttholes."